Jan. 23, 2025

Ovaries, Frontal Lobes & the Power of Your Notes App

Ovaries, Frontal Lobes & the Power of Your Notes App
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Season 5

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In the animal kingdom, when an animals main purpose has been fulfilled, that animal typically dies off. 

A dark way to start  an episode, but ultimately we got to thinking about why women live longer than men, even though one of their main purposes is to create offspring. Grandmothers play in maintaining family wisdom and legacy across generations - turns out there’s some science behind that and that’s where our conversation with Kirsten Hatcher from Raising Marriage starts. Don’t worry, this episode is full of laughs, we even tackle the whole one ovary per cycle conversation.

Today’s conversation started from a podcast a few weeks ago we talked about using our Notes app to fully form our feelings in our reactions. Navigating the stormy seas of relationships can be challenging, understanding, even preserving your own emotions while holding space for another person’s isn’t always easy. And so - we are back on the iceberg - the "anger iceberg". Drawing from Gottman's marriage counseling method, we share strategies to avoid emotional flooding and maintain rational communication. Through relatable personal anecdotes, learn how to pause and walk away, or channeling your emotions with a little chat gpt support can help refine your message and release resentment.

And of course, we’re having this conversation with a dear friend, so we trip, stumble, and fall into a few very personal conversations. But ultimately our guess is that each is very relatable. Tell you what - there’s nothing quite like personal therapy on a public forum. Repeat after us, “we listen and we don’t judge” …

Things we discussed:

Book: Fast Like A Girl
Book: Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti
The Anger Iceberg
Publix Philly Cheesesteak Dip
Attachment Styles

For more mayhem, be sure to follow us:

Insta @marketingandmayhem
YouTube @MarketingMayhemPod

And don't forget to leave us a 5 star review! Or message us to deep dive into your topic or just give us feedback!

Hosted by @raebecca.miller and @jennyfromthe843

00:11 - Evolutionary Science of Menstruation

12:11 - Navigating Conflict and Emotional Responses

16:40 - Effective Communication in Relationships

27:35 - Navigating Relationships Through Effective Communication

34:42 - Communication Dynamics in Relationships

45:52 - Navigating Relationship Communication Challenges

49:25 - Exploring Communication and Relationship Dynamics

WEBVTT

00:00:11.228 --> 00:00:12.570
Hello.

00:00:13.391 --> 00:00:16.434
Good morning, hi, kirsten.

00:00:16.434 --> 00:00:20.996
Hello, we got Kirsten Hatcher back in the house.

00:00:21.519 --> 00:00:24.167
I'm so excited we chat with the gals.

00:00:24.167 --> 00:00:28.062
I get to actually join in this time rather than just in my car at the gym.

00:00:28.824 --> 00:00:36.691
Listen, though, because you're a listener, I love that you are one of our all-time actually like our listeners' favorite guests.

00:00:37.372 --> 00:00:38.536
Oh well, thank you.

00:00:38.536 --> 00:00:41.302
I'm honored because I've enjoyed all the other guests.

00:00:42.085 --> 00:00:45.832
To have you back and we have like a million things we want to talk about.

00:00:45.832 --> 00:00:47.743
How is everyone?

00:00:49.228 --> 00:00:50.091
I'm honky dory.

00:00:51.060 --> 00:00:53.573
I'm not feeling super at all.

00:00:53.573 --> 00:00:54.799
To be quite honest, what's wrong with you?

00:00:54.799 --> 00:01:04.591
You know it's that time of the month and I thought we had this all figured out with our hormone girl.

00:01:05.980 --> 00:01:07.926
Oh, and like dude, I think I think it's probably just the ovaries.

00:01:09.549 --> 00:01:09.992
What'd you say?

00:01:09.992 --> 00:01:11.599
Just get rid of the ovaries, did you say-?

00:01:11.640 --> 00:01:26.908
No, I mean, I just said it's probably just because you know how like you have, you know how like your period only comes from like one ovary, yes, and then it switches back and forth, and so you have like one bad month and one good month Wait what.

00:01:27.748 --> 00:01:30.831
Yes, it only releases from one side.

00:01:30.831 --> 00:01:41.221
That's why sometimes your cramps are stronger on one side right?

00:01:41.260 --> 00:01:49.808
Yes, like I think it's not necessarily mathematically exactly even, but you only release one ovary, releases one egg in the standard is it's every other, and I think sometimes it can stand the same side for twice.

00:01:49.948 --> 00:01:50.469
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:01:50.469 --> 00:01:51.906
Is this like common knowledge?

00:01:51.906 --> 00:01:53.125
Why do I not know this?

00:01:53.125 --> 00:01:53.920
I?

00:01:54.081 --> 00:01:58.572
actually I thought it was a myth, but it's not.

00:01:59.760 --> 00:02:00.986
Back to the trivial pursuit.

00:02:01.046 --> 00:02:04.543
You could kick some ass, I think it is one of those trivial I don't think.

00:02:04.543 --> 00:02:07.706
It's like our OBs aren't telling us.

00:02:07.706 --> 00:02:09.028
But well, maybe they are now.

00:02:09.028 --> 00:02:14.155
Maybe when my daughter goes I'll see that it's different, but I think it was a random thing I learned.

00:02:22.639 --> 00:02:23.200
This is what ChatsyPT says.

00:02:23.200 --> 00:02:24.002
Each month, one ovary releases an egg.

00:02:24.002 --> 00:02:25.085
During ovulation, the ovaries typically alternate.

00:02:25.085 --> 00:02:30.354
One ovary releases an egg one month and the other ovary the next month, but this isn't always perfectly regular.

00:02:30.354 --> 00:02:34.287
One ovary could be dominant.

00:02:35.581 --> 00:02:38.350
So I'm like I'm in pain because my little ovary.

00:02:38.961 --> 00:02:42.406
I used to call it my mean side, your mean side.

00:02:42.840 --> 00:02:48.781
I'm like I got a mean side right now Is the mean side.

00:02:48.801 --> 00:02:49.885
I'm like I got a mean side right now is it always.

00:02:49.885 --> 00:02:50.628
Is the mean side always the same?

00:02:50.628 --> 00:02:55.383
Well, that's how I knew I'd be like oh, next month's gonna be a breeze because I'm on my like back and forth.

00:02:55.644 --> 00:03:00.233
So I didn't know that one side was worse or better than the other.

00:03:00.533 --> 00:03:03.627
I just because I feel like I mean, I texted be Becca.

00:03:03.627 --> 00:03:09.908
Like early this morning I was like I feel like I'm in labor, oh, like that's, I'm like that's really bad.

00:03:10.550 --> 00:03:10.911
Yeah, it's.

00:03:10.911 --> 00:03:12.092
Of course it was early.

00:03:12.092 --> 00:03:14.985
I sent Jenny this meme or reel the other day.

00:03:14.985 --> 00:03:19.687
That was like Kris Jenner on a treadmill and she's like calling people and she's like I mean, are you kidding?

00:03:20.491 --> 00:03:22.837
seven o'clock.

00:03:22.877 --> 00:03:24.383
She's like it's almost lunchtime.

00:03:24.383 --> 00:03:26.421
I was like this is you true story.

00:03:26.462 --> 00:03:27.324
I can send you a picture.

00:03:27.324 --> 00:03:32.003
I took a screenshot of me like working at like four o'clock this morning.

00:03:32.024 --> 00:03:33.066
Do you set your alarm?

00:03:34.048 --> 00:03:41.746
no, I just wake up because my freaking apparently my bum ovary is like wake up bitch your bum.

00:03:41.967 --> 00:03:43.288
One is your chill one.

00:03:43.288 --> 00:03:44.530
You're on your mean side.

00:03:44.530 --> 00:03:46.393
I'm on the ovary.

00:03:46.693 --> 00:03:47.514
Lucky night.

00:03:48.395 --> 00:03:49.175
I'm kind of okay.

00:03:49.175 --> 00:03:51.187
I just kind of want to be done with all of it.

00:03:51.187 --> 00:03:53.848
I'm like I have my babies, I'm good.

00:03:53.848 --> 00:04:01.106
I was talking to Layla about periods and all that good stuff because she's of the age and I had a realization.

00:04:01.106 --> 00:04:03.908
She was like it sounds like it's gross.

00:04:03.908 --> 00:04:05.762
I'm like it's it's.

00:04:05.762 --> 00:04:06.343
It sounds like it's gross.

00:04:06.343 --> 00:04:07.307
I'm like it is gross and you deal with it.

00:04:07.307 --> 00:04:09.195
I said I guess I've had them for at least 30 years.

00:04:09.195 --> 00:04:19.233
And then I had this really kind of sad morning for myself that like we have our periods for close to like 40 years.

00:04:19.233 --> 00:04:26.961
That's a long time to have to do that every month, with the exception of pregnancy, and then when you don't have it you're pregnant.

00:04:28.225 --> 00:04:31.293
What was that thing, though, that I sent you, kirsten, the other day?

00:04:31.293 --> 00:04:37.574
That was like so it's a evolution standard, right?

00:04:37.574 --> 00:04:45.692
That says that there's an evolutionary reason why women yes, that was so interesting, so I thought it was too.

00:04:45.773 --> 00:04:47.357
So wait, let's unpack it for two seconds.

00:04:47.357 --> 00:04:53.550
So there's an evolutionary standard that women live and it's significant right Longer than men.

00:04:53.550 --> 00:04:56.161
It's not like 20 years, but it's not one year.

00:04:56.161 --> 00:05:05.889
So women live significantly longer than men, which is interesting because our entire evolutionary purpose is to reproduce, right?

00:05:05.889 --> 00:05:19.971
So if you take this idea that, like, we stay alive longer after we're done reproducing, then the scientist was like there has to be an evolutionary reason why that would happen.

00:05:20.812 --> 00:05:33.927
and I was like this is actually because that's right, right, like even in the animal world, like there's, I mean it's some of the we're not getting like what I kind of took away from that is we're not getting the parenting advice from our grandfathers.

00:05:33.927 --> 00:05:43.406
You're getting kind of this nurturing, caring, loving advice from grandmothers and, like I think, of my mom with my children.

00:05:43.406 --> 00:05:49.249
Just what she teaches them is also what I thought was successful in teaching me.

00:05:49.249 --> 00:05:49.750
It's it.

00:05:49.750 --> 00:05:53.384
So it was so neat to see yeah, it was based on the historical.

00:05:54.987 --> 00:05:55.127
Yeah.

00:05:55.127 --> 00:06:02.194
No, it was like based on the historical transcendence of like, family and legacy and history, right like that.

00:06:02.194 --> 00:06:11.064
Those were the people who actually continued to bring those things to the table, and we know that without looking into the past, you can't actually be successful in the future.

00:06:11.064 --> 00:06:11.867
So it was this whole.

00:06:11.906 --> 00:06:18.341
I was like this is so Almost like the story keepers, and how that goes on and they need us to feed them.

00:06:18.500 --> 00:06:19.382
I mean, let's be real, yeah.

00:06:19.502 --> 00:06:22.764
So I guess we we have to deal with periods for at least 40 years of our life.

00:06:22.803 --> 00:06:26.887
Clark tells me all the time she's like I am not looking forward to that.

00:06:28.267 --> 00:06:32.250
You shouldn't, because it ain't right, I know I'm hoping the technology gets better.

00:06:32.250 --> 00:06:33.632
At least there's period panties.

00:06:34.091 --> 00:06:41.338
Yeah, I really wanted to try like a diva cup, but I just I can't wrap my head around that.

00:06:45.740 --> 00:06:46.261
I've done all the cups.

00:06:46.300 --> 00:06:49.428
I'm a cup girl, but I haven't had to in the last year, but I'm a big cup fan.

00:06:49.428 --> 00:06:49.889
Yeah, I just I don't.

00:06:49.889 --> 00:06:53.526
I don't, I want to be, but I just I don't think I can get over the barrier of trying it.

00:06:54.367 --> 00:06:55.851
Oh my God, it was so much easier.

00:06:55.851 --> 00:06:58.062
I grabbed like a shitty one off Amazon.

00:06:58.062 --> 00:07:10.644
My sister-in-law uses them religiously, a bunch of my neighbors do now because I had to go on a field trip and I was like there's no way I'm going to make it six hours, I don't know where we're going, so I was like we just have to make a different decision.

00:07:10.644 --> 00:07:15.163
I have so many friends now that use it and it's like it's a game changer.

00:07:15.343 --> 00:07:19.014
Right, my influencer is saying I should try it, so I'll probably try it.

00:07:19.600 --> 00:07:23.572
It's so much better, so I'll send you my pro tips offline.

00:07:27.639 --> 00:07:31.009
You can turn it into a reel in a couple months when I tell you it's helpful, literally somebody.

00:07:31.249 --> 00:07:32.639
You know what I'm just going to tell you on the air.

00:07:32.639 --> 00:07:40.665
Well, a person, a very good friend of mine, who is another triathlete, said here's the best tip that no one ever gave me Change it in the shower.

00:07:40.665 --> 00:07:44.492
She's like you don't have to deal with it.

00:07:44.492 --> 00:07:47.923
You're not like cause you don't have to change it every time you use the restroom.

00:07:47.923 --> 00:07:49.646
She's like, just do it in the shower.

00:07:49.646 --> 00:07:54.884
You're not, you're just done yeah, shampoo, do your body wash.

00:07:54.884 --> 00:07:57.502
Like don't deal with it outside of there.

00:07:57.502 --> 00:08:01.065
And I was like, oh, that I can easily take two showers a day at my period.

00:08:01.386 --> 00:08:04.009
I can handle that, and that was the game changer.

00:08:04.709 --> 00:08:05.389
That gives me.

00:08:05.389 --> 00:08:07.531
That might help me take it a step closer.

00:08:08.093 --> 00:08:12.137
Yeah, cause the nonsense of trying to do that outside of that space, wild.

00:08:14.961 --> 00:08:15.764
Yeah.

00:08:16.045 --> 00:08:16.586
Yeah, it does.

00:08:16.848 --> 00:08:23.526
It sounds sloppy she was like let me help you, here's your tip.

00:08:23.526 --> 00:08:26.273
And I was like that's the game changer, right there.

00:08:26.334 --> 00:08:28.899
Okay, all right, I'll, I'll, I'll think on it.

00:08:28.899 --> 00:08:37.087
Hey, listen, I got you Okay, so you reach out and you were listening to an episode.

00:08:37.087 --> 00:08:44.222
It's actually that we, jenny and I, were walking into a recording it wasn't even a meeting, it was a recording and we had lunch before and I had pulled out my notes app.

00:08:44.503 --> 00:08:44.842
Yeah.

00:08:45.663 --> 00:09:04.217
And I had this entire note situation because I had had this experience and I was super frustrated with this person's behavior, and so I wrote down everything in my notes app and then I pulled it out and read it to Jenny so I could get her take on it and much like my handwriting right.

00:09:04.217 --> 00:09:15.422
She had this moment where she was like this is one of the wildest things we're seeing you do, because I am like well, no, I feel like you're not taking up that.

00:09:15.623 --> 00:09:17.528
I don't know what you told me was.

00:09:17.528 --> 00:09:19.032
You were telling me the story.

00:09:19.032 --> 00:09:21.784
Yeah, you were like, hang on a second.

00:09:22.306 --> 00:09:23.206
And then you opened up.

00:09:23.226 --> 00:09:29.767
Then you opened up your phone and you went to the notes app and I was like whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing over there?

00:09:29.767 --> 00:09:33.346
You were like, well, I have a notes app on it and I'm like wait what?

00:09:34.500 --> 00:09:38.508
She probably has so many notes on her phone, not just for so many years.

00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:44.445
It completely caught me off guard, so it was just the premise.

00:09:44.504 --> 00:09:47.464
I even fixed two typos when we were talking through it.

00:09:47.464 --> 00:09:48.528
I fixed two typos.

00:09:48.528 --> 00:09:49.190
I was like hold on.

00:09:49.961 --> 00:09:58.899
I heard you say that and I was like, oh, I absolutely, because if I ever have to type an email or send a text message to somebody, I will.

00:09:58.899 --> 00:10:15.594
And I'm working on a little bit and I'll read it to John to get his input and I know it probably drives him bonkers that I read it out loud, but I'm like I need, before you put your final eyes on it for me, I have to sort through my typos.

00:10:15.594 --> 00:10:17.034
Was that a run-on sentence?

00:10:17.034 --> 00:10:18.756
Did I repeat myself?

00:10:24.304 --> 00:10:26.951
I know it probably drives him nuts that I always have to read it to him.

00:10:26.971 --> 00:10:28.614
But he hops on for the ride.

00:10:28.614 --> 00:10:30.839
So I chuckled when you said you had to fix typos.

00:10:30.839 --> 00:10:34.601
Yeah, no, I had to.

00:10:34.601 --> 00:10:35.688
And she was just like and it was a tough conversation.

00:10:35.688 --> 00:10:37.500
Like the one that was in my notes app that I was eventually going to have to have anyways.

00:10:37.879 --> 00:10:40.188
Yeah, so what was your hot take on it, jenny?

00:10:43.541 --> 00:10:46.408
Well, much like many, many things between Rebecca and I.

00:10:46.408 --> 00:10:51.245
We're just very different, which is why we again are so good together.

00:10:51.245 --> 00:10:58.568
Like I'm just a person and I'm not saying it's a healthy thing, I'm just like, oh, okay, you're going to outlet that.

00:10:58.568 --> 00:11:00.113
All right, cool, I'm out.

00:11:00.299 --> 00:11:03.965
Like oh, the other person, not Rebecca.

00:11:04.586 --> 00:11:08.451
No, in this situation it happened in front of right.

00:11:08.451 --> 00:11:16.792
It was two people myself and somebody else and I was like you know what I'm actually I'm going to hit pause because I feel like I'm going to be mean.

00:11:16.792 --> 00:11:19.427
And this person was like you're going to what?

00:11:19.427 --> 00:11:21.206
And I was like I think I'm going to be mean.

00:11:21.206 --> 00:11:26.332
So I'm going to hit pause on this for a second, because mean is actually not no good.

00:11:26.332 --> 00:11:31.980
I think I'm going to be mean, so I'm going to hit pause on this for a second and I cause mean is actually not.

00:11:32.000 --> 00:11:33.764
I don't like when people push me into mean, it's not where I naturally go.

00:11:33.764 --> 00:11:41.748
I was mad about something that I feel very validated being like angry about, but I was like I am not ready to be just mean.

00:11:41.748 --> 00:11:45.361
I want my thoughts together, so I'm going to step back.

00:11:45.361 --> 00:12:07.807
And then I was like also, if it ends up being important enough to this person, like if it were me, I would have to circle back within 24 hours and just say like hey, I keep thinking about that statement and like I don't necessarily want to be mean to me, but I feel like there's something more you needed to say, so let's hash it out.

00:12:07.807 --> 00:12:10.928
Like I would have circled back to that conversation and followed up.

00:12:11.490 --> 00:12:22.250
Yeah, Well, what happens is, if you didn't take that moment, your meanness becomes the attention right Versus why did you feel mean or angry?

00:12:22.250 --> 00:12:23.807
There's the other valid stuff.

00:12:23.807 --> 00:12:27.592
I know Christina talked about it, I think, in one of hers about the whole anger iceberg.

00:12:27.592 --> 00:12:48.609
She talked about the anger iceberg in one of those right, and so if you're only responding with the tip of the iceberg, you ultimately kind of look like an asshole and then the focus is on how you've been an asshole versus how that interaction was making you feel which is all the fun vulnerable emotions underneath the iceberg that none of us really want to share.

00:12:49.921 --> 00:13:09.229
And meanness is not normally like and I don't mean this in any sort of way, but I know people who, when they get defensive, or they feel cornered, they go to an ugly place and they say things they don't mean or they're nasty and that's just how they argue, whatever that means from their perspective.

00:13:09.970 --> 00:13:11.581
I do not come from that place.

00:13:11.581 --> 00:13:19.522
First of all, I do not really enjoy apologizing, so I it is not in my soul to say something that I.

00:13:19.522 --> 00:13:21.684
First of all, it's not in my soul to say something I don't mean.

00:13:21.684 --> 00:13:26.491
That's just who I am, so I'm not going to just be nasty, just to be nasty.

00:13:26.491 --> 00:13:30.423
And then I don't want to have to come back and say like, oh, I called you a name.

00:13:30.423 --> 00:13:33.921
I don't know if I've ever actually called somebody a name like that in an argument.

00:13:33.921 --> 00:13:55.809
It is just not how I show up and then after my first marriage, if you push me into a place where I feel like I'm going to because that was part of the dynamic in the game was like, oh, if I push this person hard enough, eventually they'll act out and then we can change the whole construct of anything the other person was doing.

00:13:56.270 --> 00:13:56.490
Yeah.

00:13:56.991 --> 00:14:00.506
Being like see you're being wild or see you're being crazy.

00:14:00.506 --> 00:14:05.860
So I'm like I also am not going to let you do that to me, because that takes my power a little bit.

00:14:05.860 --> 00:14:12.044
I don't need power because it's not important to me, but I'm not going to let you take all of mine either.

00:14:12.426 --> 00:14:15.633
Yeah, or control the situation more.

00:14:16.639 --> 00:14:20.789
Yeah, and just like that's a manipulation, that's actually not what happened.

00:14:20.789 --> 00:14:29.485
You pushed and pushed, and pushed until you could finally be dethroned of being like the nastiest one because I was last in line.

00:14:29.485 --> 00:14:48.014
But like I can't do that, so like meanness isn't naturally my inclination anyways and I don't like if somebody pushes me there, I immediately like hot plate well, because then we don't feel like we're in control anymore, especially if that's not your natural response.

00:14:48.740 --> 00:14:50.628
Well, I will say that we're similar in this.

00:14:50.628 --> 00:14:53.389
I'm a person who is a walk-away-er.

00:14:53.389 --> 00:15:09.451
So, I'm very similar because I mean, I don't ever want to say anything that I'm going to regret saying either, but I am someone who has to sit on it for a minute and then either send an email or send a text, because that is the only way I can articulate how I'm feeling.

00:15:09.451 --> 00:15:13.751
So I guess it's not a notes app per se, but like You're journaling.

00:15:13.919 --> 00:15:23.986
How I can communicate, because I can see it, I can process it and be like okay, I don't sound like a complete a-hole, because if I say it from my mouth I'm probably going to sound like an a-hole.

00:15:24.629 --> 00:15:26.552
So what you both are saying you do.

00:15:26.552 --> 00:15:34.369
So, rebecca, when you said, okay, I'm going to pause this for a moment because I'm going to say something really mean, and then, jenny, you're like, I like to walk away.

00:15:34.369 --> 00:15:58.032
That is, I have to tell couples all the time when you get to a point which in Gottman and his studies, the marriage counseling method that I follow it's called flooded, and so it's the idea that once we're flooded, we're no longer, our frontal lobe is not engaged and so the rational part of our brain is no longer communicating.

00:15:58.032 --> 00:16:09.086
So that's when we maybe do the name calling or say the hurtful things or go left when the conversation was going straight, and now the conversation makes absolutely no sense.

00:16:09.225 --> 00:16:13.984
So I was in a training one time that told that.

00:16:13.984 --> 00:16:14.626
Did I tell you?

00:16:14.626 --> 00:16:15.450
I don't know if I've.

00:16:15.450 --> 00:16:16.674
I share this often.

00:16:16.674 --> 00:16:31.446
So if I shared it in the last time I was on, but the idea when someone says, oh my God, they totally flipped their lid, that means that you're have you ever heard that, like usually in a bar fight right Is when you hear it, it means that the frontal lobe isn't engaged.

00:16:31.446 --> 00:16:38.711
So the lid is literally flipped, the front part of your brain is flipped At least that's what the trainer said it was, and I think that just.

00:16:39.321 --> 00:16:40.543
I'm going with it so.

00:16:40.964 --> 00:16:43.528
I really like my frontal lobe, so I'm not.

00:16:43.609 --> 00:16:46.094
I have a client that'll be like I put my frontal lobe.

00:16:46.094 --> 00:16:47.804
Oh, you do like it or you don't like it.

00:16:48.147 --> 00:16:48.407
I don't know.

00:16:48.407 --> 00:16:49.090
I feel like I like it.

00:16:49.090 --> 00:16:51.287
I don't like to talk if I don't have that guy with me.

00:16:51.347 --> 00:16:51.970
I'm not helping.

00:16:51.970 --> 00:16:53.586
You put your frontal lobe.

00:16:53.586 --> 00:16:58.952
I have a client that'll say I put my frontal lobe in timeout and then I came back to my husband and we talked.

00:16:58.952 --> 00:17:07.561
I Very proud of you.

00:17:07.561 --> 00:17:09.730
So, technically, what I'm supposed to do is when we're having conflict discussions in my office.

00:17:09.730 --> 00:17:10.736
But I don't do it because it's awkward.

00:17:10.736 --> 00:17:14.906
I think it would just be as awkward as doing role play in therapy is.

00:17:15.027 --> 00:17:26.752
I'm supposed to put a pulse oximeter on my client's fingers and when their heart rate goes above 80, or for people who are in like decent shape above 100, they have to stop.

00:17:26.752 --> 00:17:29.021
There's no negotiating there.

00:17:29.021 --> 00:17:30.806
You are required to take a break.

00:17:30.806 --> 00:17:38.694
Now, in my experience, most couples are really good at taking breaks, or most people are really good at taking breaks.

00:17:38.694 --> 00:17:45.532
Usually one person is better than the other, but they never circle back to it, they never come back to the topic.

00:17:45.532 --> 00:17:52.722
And then that's when you kind of just have old resentments, old arguments sitting on a shelf that you're not discussing.

00:17:52.722 --> 00:17:58.061
That then come out sideways in another argument when we did not put our frontal lobe in timeout.

00:17:58.061 --> 00:18:00.226
So you have to.

00:18:00.326 --> 00:18:08.667
There's a minimum of a 25-minute break that you take and it's just to self-soothe Go for a walk, listen to music, take a shower.

00:18:08.667 --> 00:18:19.694
I do tell couples if it needs to be 12 hours because you have to go to work, or if it's 11 o'clock at night, you've either had too much to drink or you're tired, so go to sleep.

00:18:19.694 --> 00:18:25.952
But you have to revisit it when you are at a calmer state.

00:18:25.952 --> 00:18:33.114
And that's where I say kind of you did it, rebecca, like go journal, figure out what the heck you're feeling.

00:18:33.114 --> 00:18:47.932
Usually, in my own personal experience, when I do it, the first sentence I'm very critical and I'm very angry and I'm writing it down and then by the time I go like five lines down, it's this is how I feel.

00:18:47.932 --> 00:18:56.769
I felt really attacked, I felt really lonely, I felt disrespected, I felt whatever it was, and then those are the things you're presenting.

00:18:56.769 --> 00:19:00.147
Yeah, that was a long ramble, but I didn't mean it.

00:19:00.279 --> 00:19:20.333
I think one of the takeaways- is like circling back is like circling back Cause I think that this is the other hard part is like so we talked about this before but like one of the reasons that I ultimately went to therapy in the beginning was because I was starting to feel resentment, and that's like a feeling that I'm very aware of and I don't want in any of my relationships.

00:19:20.333 --> 00:19:22.222
I don't want it in my friendships, and I've had it there.

00:19:22.222 --> 00:19:23.148
I don't want it in my romantic relationships.

00:19:23.148 --> 00:19:24.296
I don't want it in my friendships, and I've had it there.

00:19:24.296 --> 00:19:25.781
I don't want it in my romantic relationships.

00:19:25.781 --> 00:19:28.869
I don't want it with my parents and I don't want it with my kids.

00:19:29.131 --> 00:19:45.627
So like that's one specific emotion that, for whatever reason, I'm very sensitive to the point where, even in, like, let's say, my first marriage, like if I feel like somebody resents me, then I can tend to be like push a little bit because I want to address it and talk through it.

00:19:45.627 --> 00:19:53.991
Right, like that's just something I don't want and I, as soon as I was like I'm feeling this way, I knew I needed to take ownership of it.

00:19:53.991 --> 00:20:09.336
Yeah, but the circling I'm not at all surprised to hear that it's really hard for people to circle back because I think nine times out of 10, most people will somehow try to absorb it and keep on, keeping on.

00:20:09.336 --> 00:20:24.191
And then that builds right Like little layers, like little paper layers inside of the 500 pack and you don't realize until it's too late that you have a whole pack of 500 sheets and not just two sheets pack of 500 sheets and not just two sheets.

00:20:24.211 --> 00:20:37.451
Well, and then what also happens is, if you don't circle back, a lot of times what I see is it's because you don't have any skills to do it differently.

00:20:37.451 --> 00:20:42.807
So you just take the break, you self-soothe, you get your frontal lobe reattached and then you come back and the same argument just happens again.

00:20:42.807 --> 00:20:52.362
So that's where doing something like journaling and coming back and saying the when this happens, this is how I feel and this is what I need.

00:20:52.362 --> 00:20:54.228
You know, we kind of we talked about that.

00:20:54.228 --> 00:21:00.242
I remember the last time, Jenny, you were like I don't really know what my needs are, and I was like that that's not always a bad sign.

00:21:00.884 --> 00:21:18.288
It's also a woman's sign, right, we are those nurturers that sometimes we do get fulfillment in doing for others, but then we do forget to do for ourselves, and so we don't come back after the break presenting the information any differently.

00:21:18.288 --> 00:21:26.452
Like, hey, when you said this, this is what I heard and this is how it made me feel and this is what I need from you in the future.

00:21:26.452 --> 00:21:31.906
And then that gives the other person space to come back and say, oh my gosh, that's hopefully right.

00:21:31.906 --> 00:21:34.387
That is not at all what I was trying to say.

00:21:34.387 --> 00:21:43.073
What I was trying to say is this, and I was overwhelmed with this, and then you can kind of present with more empathy and understanding.

00:21:43.073 --> 00:21:46.836
So, yeah, usually the breaks, people don't come back because they're like, well, we're just going to argue again.

00:21:47.501 --> 00:21:48.183
I don't do that.

00:21:48.183 --> 00:21:49.188
I don't ever go back.

00:21:49.539 --> 00:21:56.087
My frontal lobe is going to be disengaged before I even enter the room to have the redo of the conversation.

00:21:56.799 --> 00:22:03.586
I think for me it's just more of like keeping the peace in my home and in my life, and I'm just like you know.

00:22:03.586 --> 00:22:10.317
It feels like you're just carrying it around and I feel like that's easier than talking about it.

00:22:10.317 --> 00:22:10.878
So that's what I do.

00:22:12.041 --> 00:22:13.767
I call you a big fat liar, jenny.

00:22:13.987 --> 00:22:27.840
It doesn't sound easy, I think that's partially why your dog was on the floor, Because you were like it wasn't just that I opened my notes app, it was.

00:22:27.840 --> 00:22:28.664
You were like.

00:22:29.460 --> 00:22:31.607
I'm like wait, do you actually articulate this?

00:22:32.000 --> 00:22:39.393
You were like when you say this, and I was like, yeah, dude, the minute I get the chance, I'm Kool-Aid man blowing through that wall.

00:22:39.393 --> 00:22:45.130
I have got Kool-Aid man, I have got my bags packed.

00:22:45.130 --> 00:22:47.608
I know exactly what I want to articulate.

00:22:47.608 --> 00:22:51.864
I've taken it from 10 sentences down to two, like I can.

00:22:51.864 --> 00:22:57.945
I can like nail this immediately the minute that door opens, I am Kool-Aid man ready.

00:22:58.346 --> 00:23:00.230
Well now I'm curious Did the door open?

00:23:01.231 --> 00:23:01.432
Yup.

00:23:01.471 --> 00:23:02.694
Okay, how did it go?

00:23:02.694 --> 00:23:04.284
How was the information received?

00:23:04.284 --> 00:23:13.701
I mean it, I feel different Sometimes, you know.

00:23:13.701 --> 00:23:16.775
I feel like in a friendship that experience could be different than you would hope it, at least in a marriage or relation.

00:23:16.775 --> 00:23:17.337
You know things like that.

00:23:17.357 --> 00:23:28.413
But I will say this I think that a person's reception because I know how I landed it is directly related to any of the work or healing that they have done.

00:23:28.413 --> 00:23:47.103
So the I mean, it's as simple as that in this specific case, like I have done a lot of work, being comfortable saying, like you know what this sounds a lot like a different conversation that I meant to circle back to yeah, and then.

00:23:47.103 --> 00:23:59.534
But I do think the majority of people at this point are still going to come from a place of being really defensive, which is why it's easier not to go back again.

00:23:59.534 --> 00:24:02.903
Right, I'm, okay, I have a weird question.

00:24:02.903 --> 00:24:07.314
So I, I have, I'm getting flooded on Instagram, which is obnoxious.

00:24:07.314 --> 00:24:10.586
Right, yeah, for the different attachment styles.

00:24:10.586 --> 00:24:13.230
Oh, is that bad or good?

00:24:13.411 --> 00:24:14.913
no, no, no, it's not bad.

00:24:14.913 --> 00:24:15.882
I like the attachments.

00:24:15.902 --> 00:24:24.948
Your algorithm is whack right now what your algorithm is whack right now my algorithm is you're sitting to me and then that I'm like wait what?

00:24:25.950 --> 00:24:30.546
I know I, so my side is not that attachment styles are bad.

00:24:30.546 --> 00:24:33.527
I think attachment style understanding your attachment style is great.

00:24:33.527 --> 00:24:40.025
I think there are therapists that focus solely on attachment styles, which is wonderful and amazing too.

00:24:40.025 --> 00:24:50.154
Yeah, I sometimes worry that like people come to me and they're like I need to change my attachment style and I'm like whoa, like what?

00:24:50.154 --> 00:24:51.577
Let's just understand it.

00:24:51.577 --> 00:24:53.001
Let's understand where it comes from.

00:24:53.210 --> 00:24:56.240
I'm not actually even going to ask you if you, first of all, if you thought it was real.

00:24:56.240 --> 00:25:07.881
But then I was like I keep getting targeted for and I don't know if this is actually me, but specifically the buzzword that I hear is like anxious attachment that I'm like I wonder if that is.

00:25:07.881 --> 00:25:14.990
Is that actually the same as like being so worried about having the tough conversations that you don't actually go back to them?

00:25:16.393 --> 00:25:17.955
Yes, because it's I.

00:25:17.955 --> 00:25:20.923
I, I want you and, but I don't want to offend you.

00:25:21.063 --> 00:25:46.779
I don't want to hurt your feelings by bringing something to you, um it does scare me, like for sure, like any of the, even though I do have some of the hard conversations and I keep having more and more like and I did this a lot more in my first marriage but like I would avoid the conversations because I was so concerned about, like, how poorly my attempt at communication would be received.

00:25:46.920 --> 00:26:08.494
So there also is avoidant attachment style, and so the whole idea of it is that attachment styles are typically created in childhood, right, so it's based on you know how secure you felt, how it's like the nurturing side of being raised by your parents.

00:26:09.617 --> 00:26:15.864
So no pressure, right, and it's usually, and we love our parents, but unfortunately people have attachment styles.

00:26:16.150 --> 00:26:30.757
Right, yes and so, but I don't think, because you are have an anxious attachment style or avoidant attachment style, that your parents did anything quote, unquote wrong, because you also could have a secure attachment style and maybe just be anxious, you know.

00:26:30.757 --> 00:26:59.442
So sometimes I think, when there's these very appropriate therapeutic terms that are becoming very buzzword on social media or whatever it is that I think it kind of takes away the understanding of it some, or it almost makes people just say, well, I'm like this because I have an anxious attachment style, or I'm an avoidant attachment style, so that's where, look, I love, I will tell clients that they think they have ADHD.

00:26:59.442 --> 00:27:00.854
I'm like, go search it on Instagram.

00:27:00.854 --> 00:27:12.353
Let Instagram tell you if you think Like, do a little bit of your own, like, dive in and see, but obviously do it through a thoughtful lens.

00:27:12.413 --> 00:27:19.497
But like, go see the grain of salt, right, we all see those like whether it's a carnivore diet or whatever it is.

00:27:19.497 --> 00:27:24.200
But like and I don't I haven't done enough research to actually know what attachment style is.

00:27:24.200 --> 00:27:35.598
But I but I do know enough, I have enough self-awareness lately to be like what an interesting choice there is a really good book that I've had.

00:27:35.900 --> 00:27:43.065
I have books that I recommend that I haven't actually read, but enough clients told me it's been helpful for them.

00:27:43.065 --> 00:27:48.117
It's actually called attached, it's we have it, do you?

00:27:48.117 --> 00:27:49.200
Yeah, it's called.

00:27:49.200 --> 00:27:50.323
Do you have it, becca?

00:27:50.323 --> 00:27:52.156
It looks like magnets.

00:27:52.156 --> 00:27:59.740
It's the new science of adult attachment and how it could help you find and keep love.

00:28:01.323 --> 00:28:03.045
Oh, yep, I got it.

00:28:03.045 --> 00:28:04.315
I haven't read it, but I have it.

00:28:04.596 --> 00:28:05.951
Yeah Well, I haven't either, so let me know.

00:28:05.951 --> 00:28:07.855
If it's as good as people, yeah, I will you, but I haven't.

00:28:07.855 --> 00:28:09.838
Yeah Well, I haven't either, so let me know if it's as good as people.

00:28:09.858 --> 00:28:10.119
Yeah, I will.

00:28:10.119 --> 00:28:11.402
I love geeking out on my book stuff.

00:28:18.589 --> 00:28:20.173
So I think you're just finding your voice, though, too, rebecca.

00:28:20.173 --> 00:28:24.442
I don't know that it's maybe not finding your voice, but finding out how to use it more effectively for yourself.

00:28:24.442 --> 00:28:27.682
You know what I mean Versus feeling silent when I walk away.

00:28:28.204 --> 00:28:35.160
I know that I definitely have a deep sense of I am only responsible for me.

00:28:35.721 --> 00:28:35.921
Yeah.

00:28:36.040 --> 00:28:40.096
Like responsible for raising two people, but like in my adult relationship.

00:28:40.115 --> 00:28:53.901
So like when I walk away from a conversation like that or like if I don't say something, I'm like what an interesting decision for you to either give that person a hall pass or chance or to just avoid it.

00:28:53.961 --> 00:29:47.523
So a lot of times I'll sit in my car or I'll sit in my bed later and think about like huh, like I wonder what made you, rebecca, not say the thing, when sometimes you're very quick to say the thing or you'll do the app thing and I'm like maybe you were like just observing their behavior, so, but then I can almost guarantee that the second time I see it resurface or the third, I'm going to make a decision about where my relationship is with that person, how much I'm willing to accept of their behavior or not say and it's not that I'm always having these, you know, like really tough conversations, but I am very careful about how I let people treat me or prioritize me, and so I'm like you know like it's not one of those like three strikes, you're out, but I do go back and instead of being like you know that person is this way, in this way, I'm like what in the world.

00:29:47.523 --> 00:29:50.830
Why did I not say the?

00:29:50.851 --> 00:30:02.403
thing I would normally say Well, one of the things that I say, what I like about the journaling and what I tell my clients to, why, when I tell them to do it, is this idea that, okay, so you have.

00:30:02.403 --> 00:30:11.053
And this was something I started doing on my own right, like john was working as a CPA, he's gone 75, 80, 90 hours a week.

00:30:11.053 --> 00:30:28.128
I'm home with two young kids and he comes home we have a couple of glasses of wine and all of a sudden I'm sideways talking about something that I had no business talking about at that time of night, and so I started realizing okay, I have things that I actually want to say to him.

00:30:28.128 --> 00:30:29.136
I have things that are valid want to say to him.

00:30:29.136 --> 00:30:33.681
I have things that are valid to say to him, but I need to figure out how the heck to say them.

00:30:33.681 --> 00:30:45.836
This was before I was really in the throes of doing marriage counseling, and now I've seen it work well with other couples and it's not something I made up.

00:30:45.836 --> 00:30:50.971
So I I say you journal, you sit for five minutes, write down the feelings.

00:30:50.971 --> 00:30:51.614
It's going to do.

00:30:51.775 --> 00:30:54.932
One of two things You're either going to realize one.

00:30:54.932 --> 00:30:58.104
I kind of joke like it's petty and I don't need to bring it up.

00:30:58.104 --> 00:31:05.079
Or in a friendship or relationship you're like is this even worth the discussion?

00:31:05.079 --> 00:31:12.986
Like, is this somebody I feel like I need to have this conversation with, or is it going to consume too much of my energy and I've got other stuff on my plate?

00:31:12.986 --> 00:31:16.096
So, like with your marital partner it's?

00:31:16.096 --> 00:31:20.714
Do I even need to discuss this kind of your pick your battles right, right?

00:31:20.714 --> 00:31:29.820
The second thing that it does is it truly does give you the language so that you can present in a way where you're not criticizing.

00:31:29.820 --> 00:31:30.403
So that's my.

00:31:30.403 --> 00:31:32.214
Oh, I can't believe how big she's getting.

00:31:32.214 --> 00:31:33.640
Sorry, she just pulled her puppy up.

00:31:34.851 --> 00:31:37.509
She's waiting for a hug, so I'm like, all right, you can come with me.

00:31:37.891 --> 00:31:38.352
We'll hug.

00:31:38.352 --> 00:31:49.142
So the idea is is typically, when we're flooded or we feel like we're going to be mean, we're criticizing whoever we're talking to and no argument is going to go well, right.

00:31:49.142 --> 00:31:53.237
So if I'm saying you're this, you do this, you never do that.

00:31:53.237 --> 00:32:02.001
The only way for them to respond is to defend themselves, especially if you're a name calling them or criticizing a part of their character.

00:32:02.001 --> 00:32:12.194
So if you're journaling, you're able to say, hey, when I don't know, I could come up with, like a really silly, when you weren't going to be.

00:32:12.234 --> 00:32:15.413
You know, you didn't call when you were leaving work and you knew I was planning dinner.

00:32:15.413 --> 00:32:20.492
It made me feel like you were, you know, not considering my time and in the future I just need you to call it.

00:32:20.492 --> 00:32:22.397
That is like too basic of an example.

00:32:22.397 --> 00:32:25.755
But instead of saying you never call, you're so selfish.

00:32:25.755 --> 00:32:30.767
You just think I'm gonna have dinner ready for you when you get home, like there's no way that that conversation is going to go well.

00:32:30.767 --> 00:32:35.075
So the journal gets surprised.

00:32:35.075 --> 00:32:47.403
So the journal really gets the feelings out there and sometimes you may find that it does not need to be talked about, and that might be some of what you're noticing.

00:32:47.403 --> 00:32:48.994
Rebecca is like these are not.

00:32:49.958 --> 00:32:52.846
You know if I'm probably a lot of mine too.

00:32:52.846 --> 00:32:53.769
I mean in my defense.

00:32:53.769 --> 00:33:05.982
It's like, you know, you kind of wake up the next day and it's like well, jenny, I'm going to challenge you a little bit, because sometimes maybe I just had a bad day and I was just raging Cajun.

00:33:06.190 --> 00:33:14.740
Sometimes what might happen is if it's number one category and you realize, all right, this is something I'm being petty or this.

00:33:14.740 --> 00:33:17.516
Really, in the grand scheme of things, I don't need to talk about it.

00:33:17.516 --> 00:33:25.498
If that similar topic keeps coming up, there probably is a deeper conversation that needs to happen.

00:33:25.498 --> 00:33:31.076
I'm sorry, I don't try it.

00:33:31.076 --> 00:33:38.239
And by deep I mean if we're arguing about the laundry, a lot it's never about the laundry.

00:33:38.701 --> 00:33:45.521
If you're arguing about we don't argue about laundry because we made a decision a long time ago you do you, I'll do me.

00:33:45.830 --> 00:33:53.330
Really I actually should do that to go you do you, I'll do me.

00:33:53.330 --> 00:33:54.173
Really I actually should do that.

00:33:54.173 --> 00:33:58.642
But if you have a continuous pattern where you're like that's not worth me discussing, there usually is something.

00:33:58.642 --> 00:34:07.454
So my theory on marriage in general, if we swing this conversation to that side of things, is that everybody tells us marriage is hard.

00:34:07.454 --> 00:34:12.494
Nobody tells us what the hell they mean by marriage is hard.

00:34:12.494 --> 00:34:17.829
I think I may have cracked the code which is in marriage.

00:34:17.829 --> 00:34:31.456
It's not really a great answer, but in marriage we literally have to talk about everything while having no idea what the hell we need to be talking about, while having no idea what the hell we need to be talking about.

00:34:31.456 --> 00:34:35.224
So it's very it's like we need, like you have to talk about so much.

00:34:35.224 --> 00:34:48.969
So if we, if we tap all those little things to the side, maybe you were having a bad day, but there's probably some truth to you need your partner in on that conversation.

00:34:48.969 --> 00:34:53.262
It doesn't mean he's failing you or you're failing him.

00:34:53.369 --> 00:35:19.420
It's like the hard part about communicating with I'm just going to say men, I don't know if this is true, but like they naturally, like are fairly defensive about thinking that, like I feel like when you communicate with a man, about thinking that, like I feel like when you communicate with a man, they automatically assume that in some way, as the you know Hunter provider, that they've failed and they I don't know they just automatically feel like that.

00:35:19.420 --> 00:35:20.405
That's what it's about.

00:35:20.405 --> 00:35:31.724
When you're really just trying to say, like no, I have a need that I, I need you to fill, specifically, All they can hear is like you're failing.

00:35:32.449 --> 00:36:04.190
One of the things that John used to say to me I don't think it's as intense now, because we've had years and years of these conversations is, if he has the sense that he has hurt my feelings or offended me in some way, it's not as much that he has to prove that he hasn't failed me, it's that he feels terrible, or I don't think he would say devastated, but I'll just use that word he feels devastated that he has done something that makes me feel so terrible.

00:36:04.992 --> 00:36:21.452
It's like the person that he loves and in that sense, so I know for him when he used to show up to tell me no, you shouldn't feel that way, because that wasn't what I was doing, or I would call for a break and he would follow me around the house because he doesn't want me to be upset about him.

00:36:21.452 --> 00:36:23.878
So he just wants yeah.

00:36:23.878 --> 00:36:44.197
So it's a combination of kind of what you're saying, like they don't want to fail, but I think in a lot of relationships hopefully healthy relationships they don't want to have failed their partner, who they do value and love, and so it's a common I have a lot of I just think we got to take into consideration too.

00:36:44.409 --> 00:36:47.981
I mean all of us, men and women, I mean we all have.

00:36:47.981 --> 00:36:55.842
We were all raised differently, by different parents and if you know, people just interpret and hear things differently.

00:36:55.842 --> 00:37:02.411
Like you can say something to somebody and it sounds like a criticism, but to you it's like oh, it was just you making a comment.

00:37:02.411 --> 00:37:10.264
So, I think it has so much to do with man or woman, how we were raised in that filter of how we hear things.

00:37:10.630 --> 00:37:27.905
Well, I literally just shared a reel on Instagram that was like it's not the idea, was it's not what you were saying, it's how you said it right, like you came in and you're asking a question but you're actually coming in really quick and condescending or whatever.

00:37:27.905 --> 00:37:32.054
It's usually the tone or another pattern that I see.

00:37:32.054 --> 00:37:48.742
A lot is women feeling the whole mansplaining thing right, but that when we're talking to our partner or trying to problem solve something that they're talking to us like we're stupid and I'm like, I'm like that's a hot button for me in my house.

00:37:48.942 --> 00:37:50.211
Yeah, yeah, john.

00:37:50.211 --> 00:38:01.581
Now John will say hey, I am processing a lot in my head right now, so whatever tone is coming out is because this is my brain working.

00:38:01.581 --> 00:38:03.436
It is not me thinking you don't get it.

00:38:03.436 --> 00:38:04.199
I need you know.

00:38:04.199 --> 00:38:07.110
It's usually around like taxes and finances.

00:38:07.110 --> 00:38:13.018
I could do it if I needed to, but I married an accountant so I don't need to yeah, no, I would definitely have to pass that over.

00:38:13.971 --> 00:38:18.681
So he'll say I know you actually understand all of this very well.

00:38:18.681 --> 00:38:24.889
He says, but the way I have to explain it to you is step by step, because of me and my understanding of it all.

00:38:24.889 --> 00:38:32.375
So he kind of knows, because we have had so many conversations about me thinking he thinks I'm stupid.

00:38:34.239 --> 00:38:35.882
Yeah, that's a hot button for me.

00:38:36.829 --> 00:38:37.492
Oh yeah, same.

00:38:37.492 --> 00:38:40.199
I mean there was a moment even last summer.

00:38:40.199 --> 00:38:42.311
So right, I'm six months out from the divorce.

00:38:42.311 --> 00:38:50.550
We're with my family in Maryland and my brother is a lacrosse coach now, and so I was like I don't normally do like ball sports.

00:38:50.550 --> 00:38:53.018
I really just have like a depth perception thing.

00:38:54.898 --> 00:38:58.373
That's not not right, but my perception.

00:38:58.373 --> 00:39:02.521
I mean, I play pro in a few fields, but not this one.

00:39:02.521 --> 00:39:11.585
I played pro for a few teams, but not this one, so, um, anyways.

00:39:11.585 --> 00:39:20.498
So he's brought the lacrosse takes, and I was like, oh my gosh, teach me how to, cause I wanted to learn it, cause I like doing this stuff with my like nephew and him and like it's my brother that I run with.

00:39:21.081 --> 00:39:31.003
But I was like I'm going to tell you something right now, though, greg, if you talk to me even one time like I am stupid, I am going to lose my mind.

00:39:31.003 --> 00:39:37.402
I was like you may talk to me like I am in kindergarten, because I actually do not know what we're doing.

00:39:37.402 --> 00:39:39.875
I need every single step.

00:39:39.875 --> 00:39:43.782
We're learning to read, but you had better talk to me like you love me.

00:39:43.782 --> 00:39:50.333
I'm a kindergartner that you love that doesn't know how to read and is going to know how to read here in the next hour.

00:39:50.333 --> 00:39:51.755
But don't you dare.

00:39:51.755 --> 00:39:52.898
How did you do?

00:39:52.898 --> 00:39:54.402
He's like I got it.

00:39:54.402 --> 00:39:55.110
You're fragile.

00:39:55.110 --> 00:39:59.001
I was like, whatever you got, it has nothing to do with my fragility.

00:40:01.010 --> 00:40:02.353
I am fragile, Greg.

00:40:02.353 --> 00:40:10.762
And then he also taught me how to fish and I was like again we got to go to kindergarten, and when you got, the big one yeah.

00:40:10.762 --> 00:40:13.413
All right, yeah, we can't read.

00:40:13.413 --> 00:40:23.668
We're going to learn how to read in the next hour, but you got to talk to me like, if you use a tone that does not sound like that, I'm going to be really out of.

00:40:23.668 --> 00:40:24.670
I'm going to be a little while.

00:40:25.030 --> 00:40:30.159
But then isn't that interesting Because you're even having that conversation with your brother, right?

00:40:30.159 --> 00:40:40.592
So I think it sometimes is just the science of how we're all a little different and maybe it isn't necessarily mansplaining and I know sometimes there is and no I think there but.

00:40:40.592 --> 00:40:42.597
But it's like it's just this.

00:40:42.597 --> 00:40:51.094
I read a book years ago where it said that men's brains are like waffles they can compartmentalize and a woman's brain is like a bowl of spaghetti.

00:40:52.237 --> 00:40:52.838
And we can't.

00:40:52.918 --> 00:40:54.442
You don't know where one thought ends.

00:40:54.442 --> 00:41:13.123
And I joked with John the other day where he a couple months ago, where he's you know he, he's my research reader and he's like I was reading this thing and really they've learned that multitasking isn't actually a good thing and it's not a good thing to multitask and nobody can really effectively multitask.

00:41:13.123 --> 00:41:18.782
I'm like, did they only do this study on men, because I think women actually are really good multitaskers.

00:41:20.570 --> 00:41:27.773
Well, and like the funny part about it was, as he was teaching me some of these things, then I was saying it back and he would look at me weird.

00:41:27.773 --> 00:41:32.282
I was like if you're telling kids that, just so you know, this is how I interpret that.

00:41:32.282 --> 00:41:34.637
And at least twice he started dying laughing.

00:41:34.637 --> 00:41:36.405
He's like do you know how often that happens to me?

00:41:36.405 --> 00:41:38.355
I'm like that's because that's what that sounds like.

00:41:38.556 --> 00:41:40.922
Yeah, so it's good for them to get that feedback.

00:41:42.070 --> 00:41:43.333
No, no, we were dying laughing.

00:41:43.333 --> 00:41:46.998
I was like I don't know why you thought that.

00:41:46.998 --> 00:41:54.677
And then my nephew would come by and be like just do it this way, and I'd be like that's not actually what makes way more sense.

00:41:54.677 --> 00:41:57.884
He's like all right, all right, I'm listening, Sounds good.

00:41:58.690 --> 00:42:13.420
And then of course, we got to the part where we were doing really well and then he was just yelling at me to let it hit you, cause like the ball gets like close and he's like like the ball gets like close and he's like I'm like we're also not about to go into some serious lacrosse game.

00:42:13.440 --> 00:42:15.873
I'm not letting it hit me Like I'm not in high school trying to make the varsity team.

00:42:15.873 --> 00:42:17.260
I'm good.

00:42:17.300 --> 00:42:21.436
You know how it is when you're playing with your brothers, like everything's always twice as serious.

00:42:21.436 --> 00:42:29.603
So I'm just like oh my God, this was fun two hours ago, but now I've been exercising for 180 minutes I was just talking about.

00:42:29.643 --> 00:42:39.440
We just got Maxwell, uh like a street hockey stick and a hockey puck and, um, I was laughing playing with him in the kitchen, Cause my brother and I used to play floor hockey when we were little.

00:42:39.440 --> 00:42:44.733
You'd like be in the basement and play, and I used to not want to play as long and he used to always say I wish I had a brother.

00:42:44.733 --> 00:42:52.608
Okay, I'm still not playing floor hockey with you, wish I had a brother Okay, I'm still not playing floor hockey with you.

00:42:52.608 --> 00:42:58.532
Well, the boys can go forever, and so, like we have, I have, like older cousins that are in their twenties too, so it ended up being like a big group thing and it was ridiculous because they played lacrosse.

00:42:58.532 --> 00:43:02.282
But of course Greg's our coach, so he's just like let it hit you.

00:43:02.282 --> 00:43:05.635
I'm like, yeah, I don't want a black guy.

00:43:06.815 --> 00:43:13.326
Okay, so men do mansplain, but sometimes it's just the way their brains work, and presents information too.

00:43:14.811 --> 00:43:16.257
No, I like the waffles and spaghetti.

00:43:17.773 --> 00:43:19.034
I just Googled it.

00:43:19.034 --> 00:43:19.998
That's the name of the book.

00:43:19.998 --> 00:43:21.159
Oh, is it?

00:43:21.159 --> 00:43:22.123
Yes.

00:43:22.610 --> 00:43:27.262
Well, maybe somebody wrote a book after, because that was not the title of the book I read, but I'll have to.

00:43:27.262 --> 00:43:28.594
What was the book you read?

00:43:28.594 --> 00:43:31.625
I don't remember because I didn't finish it.

00:43:31.764 --> 00:43:36.476
I just remembered that section but I have a question though.

00:43:36.476 --> 00:43:43.992
Yeah, when you're at the table and you're about to have one of these conversations, what is the best way?

00:43:43.992 --> 00:43:46.635
Like are, do you like?

00:43:46.635 --> 00:43:54.525
How do you get a person who's not expecting this communication to be prepared for this to be effective?

00:43:54.965 --> 00:44:02.202
Yeah, so well, in my marriage I usually show up with the journal, if I have.

00:44:02.202 --> 00:44:09.123
John once came with his journal and I was like, oh no, no sir, this is this is my move to come with the journal.

00:44:09.123 --> 00:44:17.746
But what usually is a little bit of, uh, hat in hand or hey, like I'm showing up.

00:44:17.746 --> 00:44:22.585
I've really thought about this, so please give me the space to present it to you.

00:44:22.585 --> 00:44:26.713
The other way is to start a conversation.

00:44:26.713 --> 00:44:27.393
This is called.

00:44:27.393 --> 00:44:32.347
It's called a gentle or softened startup versus a harsh startup.

00:44:32.347 --> 00:44:44.543
So the harsh startup is, 95% of the time, how we all show up in a conversation that's going to be of conflict, which is typically in criticizing nature of the other person.

00:44:44.543 --> 00:44:47.391
The soften startup is.

00:44:47.431 --> 00:45:08.264
So one of the examples they give when I give everybody the assessment is if you know, you leave your shoes all over the house and you come home and you say to your partner I'm so sick of seeing your shoes everywhere, you're so lazy, pick your damn shoes up right Versus hey, when I walk into the house and I see shoes everywhere, it makes me feel really stressed and chaotic.

00:45:08.623 --> 00:45:11.833
Can we please come up with a plan on how to manage the shoes better?

00:45:11.833 --> 00:45:13.764
That is a very different.

00:45:13.764 --> 00:45:22.884
Again, a very basic example, but it's this idea of how you present it in a way, and you're really talking about your feelings, right?

00:45:22.884 --> 00:45:49.824
So, hey, the other night when we were at dinner and you said X, y and Z, it made me feel this way and I didn't really love it and I wanted to let you know, because you're my friend and I don't think you would want to offend me, but I just needed to let you know that when you said fill in the blank, it made me feel fill in the blank and I just wanted to share that with you.

00:45:49.824 --> 00:45:52.271
So it's a lot of feeling presentations, which is fun.

00:45:52.291 --> 00:45:53.797
Yeah, no, because I think it's important, right?

00:45:53.797 --> 00:46:01.733
I, obviously I do deeply believe that two people can be in the same situation and experience it very differently.

00:46:01.733 --> 00:46:08.411
Yeah, so I'm like, and I think it's important to honor that right, like it doesn't always have to be me, me, me or you, you, you.

00:46:08.411 --> 00:46:28.289
But if you're going to change the pattern and you're going to show up and you're going to want to express something that maybe has caused some resentment or has the capability to you want to do it in a form where you're going to be successful and they're going to feel respected and successful, and it's, it is a it's a slippery slope.

00:46:28.630 --> 00:46:28.851
Yeah.

00:46:28.851 --> 00:46:37.235
Well, I tell people too if you're going to bring something to somebody, what is your end goal?

00:46:37.235 --> 00:46:53.072
If you have a very specific goal on how you want the conversation to end or finish, chances are you're probably not ready to have it, because if it doesn't go that way, then you're kind of just ending in a bigger conflict, yeah.

00:46:53.072 --> 00:47:04.050
Or if you go into a conversation saying this is what I need to get out of it, you also have to be prepared that you may not get that, and so if you don't get that, are you okay with that?

00:47:04.050 --> 00:47:08.679
And so if you don't get that, are you okay with that?

00:47:08.679 --> 00:47:11.641
So it's so.

00:47:11.641 --> 00:47:14.170
I guess if you have a very specific end goal, that's fine, but are you okay walking away with?

00:47:15.135 --> 00:47:16.159
not getting that yeah.

00:47:16.641 --> 00:47:17.003
And what?

00:47:17.003 --> 00:47:18.487
Who gets all your energy?

00:47:18.487 --> 00:47:24.851
You know, there's times where people might offend me and I'm like man, do you get my energy?

00:47:24.851 --> 00:47:28.380
Yeah, I'm barely going to bed on time.

00:47:28.420 --> 00:47:37.001
I don't think you do I know A hundred percent Right, so that I think that's part of it too.

00:47:37.001 --> 00:47:50.327
But it can be harder when you're not, when it is not your partner Right, because I know, like John and I, we have very kind of structured check in times, which is what I tell a lot of couples to do.

00:47:50.327 --> 00:47:57.800
You don't have structured check in times with your friends Like, hey, how are we doing what went well in our friendship this week?

00:47:57.860 --> 00:48:07.159
So I think that I think we should I know, probably is, so I think that that does make it a little awkward.

00:48:07.159 --> 00:48:16.989
But, along with your notes, take them to chat GBT, copy and paste your notes in and just say how can you soften this startup for them?

00:48:16.989 --> 00:48:18.065
Can you soften this up?

00:48:18.065 --> 00:48:19.697
Oh, I love that.

00:48:19.697 --> 00:48:21.186
So you could do that, jenny.

00:48:21.186 --> 00:48:37.536
And what I love about it again, you may not even even use it, but I have had some clients use it and it helps them to figure out what the heck they're actually feeling well, I was about to say I'm like I'd have to put in chat GPT, tell me what I'm upset about yeah you can't do it.

00:48:37.615 --> 00:48:39.641
No, tell it to soften the startup for you.

00:48:39.641 --> 00:48:52.077
I think you would be kind of amazed at the language it gives back, because a lot of times, like I, I know there were times I used to be frustrated with John that I wanted him to do more around the house.

00:48:52.077 --> 00:49:03.869
You know, when he was working a CPA job and trying to start his business that he was starting while I was starting my practice and I would say I wish I just need him to do X, y and Z.

00:49:03.869 --> 00:49:09.465
But then I would step back and say, but he's, he's doing this, he's doing this, he's doing this.

00:49:09.465 --> 00:49:13.481
Like he probably does not have any capacity to give.

00:49:13.481 --> 00:49:22.648
But I still had a conversation I needed to have with him and that was probably more about me feeling overwhelmed and we have to come up with a plan together.

00:49:22.648 --> 00:49:24.391
Like he may not be able to solve it.

00:49:24.391 --> 00:49:36.670
Sometimes it's just understanding, right, they may not give us the apology we need, or they might not pick up the slack, or, but it's like do you understand how I'm feeling or how, what?

00:49:36.690 --> 00:49:37.172
you said.

00:49:37.172 --> 00:49:53.349
I feel like that's like my number one thing, like I really just do not want to be misunderstood and I don't want to be around people who are committed to misunderstanding me and on a very deep level, I just want to be in relationships where I am understood.

00:49:53.949 --> 00:49:57.606
Yeah, all of us Yep, not all of us recognize that.

00:49:58.240 --> 00:49:58.842
I was going to say.

00:49:58.842 --> 00:50:05.369
Unfortunately, not all of us recognize that, but I think at the end of the day, that is like the most important thing to me.

00:50:05.369 --> 00:50:08.847
Yeah, I also deeply love ChatGPT.

00:50:08.847 --> 00:50:16.114
I have asked it already five things today, all of which are extremely chaotic.

00:50:17.179 --> 00:50:30.608
So I was home the other day and John he uses I think it's called Claude he pays for it through his business and he had something happen with one of his like on the technology side.

00:50:30.608 --> 00:50:35.710
Something was happening with his computer, he's like, and Claude told me I asked him too many questions today and I couldn't talk.

00:50:35.710 --> 00:50:37.202
It happened to me.

00:50:37.804 --> 00:50:41.530
I was cut off two nights ago at 1030.

00:50:41.530 --> 00:50:42.952
And I was like what?

00:50:42.952 --> 00:50:44.175
And so I keep.

00:50:44.175 --> 00:50:46.527
I'm like afraid of getting cut off because I've.

00:50:46.527 --> 00:50:48.242
This is what I've asked it today.

00:50:48.242 --> 00:50:52.512
I needed to know the exact definition for the slang thirsty.

00:50:52.512 --> 00:50:55.688
Don't ask me why this is at like six, 30.

00:50:55.688 --> 00:51:00.302
I wanted to know how come girls don't have to wear helmets in lacrosse but boys do.

00:51:00.302 --> 00:51:04.253
I needed to know who the head coach was of Oceanside lacrosse team.

00:51:04.840 --> 00:51:10.012
Apparently that's very appropriate for today, for part of today's conversation.

00:51:10.400 --> 00:51:12.208
Oh, I asked it all hockey stuff yesterday.

00:51:12.208 --> 00:51:15.668
I asked it about your ovaries and ovulation.

00:51:15.668 --> 00:51:18.005
Okay, I'm like what?

00:51:18.920 --> 00:51:20.447
Now you need to ask for it to Roche.

00:51:20.447 --> 00:51:22.967
They'll be like you are a complete.

00:51:23.268 --> 00:51:27.760
Well, I'm curious why were we asking so much about lacrosse today and hockey yesterday?

00:51:28.583 --> 00:51:38.594
well, there was a conversation in yoga this morning because the one of my friends is on the board for oceanside and so they were talking about her daughter plays rugby.

00:51:38.594 --> 00:51:43.208
She got recently injured and so then it started a conversation with another person.

00:51:43.208 --> 00:51:51.206
That was like you know what some of these girl sports, I don't really understand why they don't get the same safety precautions, like the girls don't wear helmets in lacrosse, and I was like what?

00:51:51.400 --> 00:51:54.250
But you know, on rugby, I used to actually play rugby.

00:51:54.250 --> 00:51:55.605
I played rugby in college.

00:51:55.605 --> 00:52:03.527
I have a broken, I have a pinky that won't straighten because of it, but the rules are very obviously.

00:52:03.527 --> 00:52:07.572
It's rougher for men because it's men right, but the rules.

00:52:07.572 --> 00:52:09.773
We all just wear mouth guards, it's all the same.

00:52:09.773 --> 00:52:13.922
Yeah, no, I know, the rules are the same.

00:52:15.083 --> 00:52:20.150
So in lacrosse it said specifically that it's supposed to be a no contact sport.

00:52:20.150 --> 00:52:23.755
And so putting on helmets would encourage more contact.

00:52:27.101 --> 00:52:36.547
But I think with boys it's supposed to be more contact because they wear pads too, but with girls lacrosse I feel like it's similar contact to soccer, like when I watch my cousin play lacrosse.

00:52:36.547 --> 00:52:38.411
It reminds me of how I played soccer.

00:52:39.460 --> 00:52:41.202
Yep, Nope, it means there's.

00:52:41.202 --> 00:52:42.644
So there is body.

00:52:42.644 --> 00:52:43.987
No, body checking is allowed.

00:52:43.987 --> 00:52:45.748
It's considered a non-contact sport.

00:52:45.748 --> 00:52:46.690
But there are states.

00:52:46.690 --> 00:52:50.115
Florida has implemented a helmet rule.

00:52:51.121 --> 00:52:52.405
That's probably not a bad idea.

00:52:53.067 --> 00:52:54.110
I know I think we're probably getting.

00:52:54.110 --> 00:53:02.670
So the Oceanside team is getting helmets that tell I think the football team is getting them first, so this might be whatever.

00:53:02.670 --> 00:53:05.286
Yeah, it is the football team that's getting them next season.

00:53:05.286 --> 00:53:12.507
They're getting helmets that tell the trainer immediately if one of the boys took a hit that was hard enough to potentially cause a concussion.

00:53:12.869 --> 00:53:14.541
Oh, that's amazing, oh, that's great.

00:53:15.324 --> 00:53:19.199
I know so they're going to be taking their old helmets and probably donating them.

00:53:19.199 --> 00:53:32.864
But, ultimately, they will have helmets on the field that tell the trainers right away if that hit was something that needs like further, instead of waiting on a high school boy yeah to be like because you know they're not going to raise their hand and be like I feel weird.

00:53:32.864 --> 00:53:40.106
Yeah, we did every day, so we gotta keep the waffles safe?

00:53:40.246 --> 00:53:42.630
thank you, oh yeah, it started a whole conversation.

00:53:42.630 --> 00:53:46.246
I was like, well, now I need to know the answer, because I'm not going to talk about it if I don't know.

00:53:46.246 --> 00:53:53.007
That's why I had to check the ovary thing, because after I said it I was like, oh, Well, if ChatGPT cuts you off, you could just go to Google.

00:53:53.068 --> 00:53:55.454
Their AI is doing better too.

00:53:55.815 --> 00:53:56.155
Is it?

00:53:56.155 --> 00:53:59.039
Yeah, because I can't stand having to read article after article.

00:53:59.800 --> 00:54:03.108
They give you an AI summary underneath your question, which is nice.

00:54:03.949 --> 00:54:05.293
Ooh, this is interesting.

00:54:05.293 --> 00:54:05.733
I also.

00:54:05.733 --> 00:54:18.306
I feel like she's such a wealth of information, like I saw somewhere the other day that the carbon footprint of chat GPT is significantly larger than Google, and it made me feel a little bit guilty, but I have not researched this yet.

00:54:19.248 --> 00:54:20.552
Why does that make you feel guilty?

00:54:21.380 --> 00:54:22.036
I don't know, I try to keep my footprint small.

00:54:22.036 --> 00:54:23.342
Okay, oh, the footprint Gotcha.

00:54:23.342 --> 00:54:26.748
I don't know, I try to keep my footprint small, oh, the footprint Gotcha.

00:54:27.530 --> 00:54:30.233
But, jenny, I want you to try to chat GBT your feelings.

00:54:34.179 --> 00:54:36.969
Okay, I'm going to try and while I'm in there, I'm going to ask you what my needs are, because, I don't know those either.

00:54:36.989 --> 00:54:41.887
Yes, you do, you're figuring them out, I'm getting there, we're getting there, we um.

00:54:41.887 --> 00:54:46.500
So we've also did you, we pick a word I know we probably should.

00:54:46.981 --> 00:54:49.731
I told John they're going to ask me what word is.

00:54:49.731 --> 00:54:52.719
I'm not a word picker, I'm just not.

00:54:52.719 --> 00:54:54.827
I love it for everybody else.

00:54:54.827 --> 00:55:03.614
I have a hard time if I pick a word, being consistent with it all, like even paying attention to it all year.

00:55:03.614 --> 00:55:10.353
So if I were to pick a word, I might be focused on it until like January 18th and then I'd be.

00:55:10.353 --> 00:55:12.005
I love that, though.

00:55:12.045 --> 00:55:12.807
That's a really good answer.

00:55:12.807 --> 00:55:13.090
I was.

00:55:13.090 --> 00:55:15.900
I was like we're still working through ours.

00:55:15.900 --> 00:55:19.268
I think we, I think we both are leaning in one specific direction.

00:55:19.548 --> 00:55:29.887
but I was like I wonder no, sometimes, like if I were to think about it, I'm like, okay, yeah, this might be it, this might be it, but I just kind of roll with the punches.

00:55:31.090 --> 00:55:31.731
Yeah, I love that.

00:55:31.820 --> 00:55:33.367
Maybe it's always the best thing.

00:55:33.367 --> 00:55:35.085
Maybe I should be more passionate.

00:55:35.085 --> 00:55:35.606
I like it.

00:55:35.606 --> 00:55:36.469
Yeah, there you go.

00:55:36.469 --> 00:55:37.746
Well, where are you guys leaning?

00:55:37.746 --> 00:55:41.666
Because I was listening to maybe it was your last episode.

00:55:41.666 --> 00:55:43.670
Did you say I was working out too, Jenny?

00:55:43.670 --> 00:55:47.076
Did you say something about more being, or you were hearing something more.

00:55:47.096 --> 00:55:48.117
That was my word last year.

00:55:48.681 --> 00:55:49.945
Yeah, that was your word last year.

00:55:50.065 --> 00:55:51.449
Okay, yes, mine was listen.

00:55:51.699 --> 00:55:53.807
I think I'm leaning towards listen this year.

00:55:54.300 --> 00:55:58.009
Oh, I like that Maybe it's listening to yourself and your feelings too.

00:55:58.048 --> 00:56:02.469
Yes, and just to my gut and to your life.

00:56:03.061 --> 00:56:05.188
Yeah, you said that on the episode about the notes.

00:56:05.188 --> 00:56:05.750
I think too.

00:56:05.750 --> 00:56:08.518
Yeah, you said that on the episode about the notes.

00:56:08.538 --> 00:56:15.985
I think Cause hers was faith before, so I think it's like faith, body, mind, intuition.

00:56:15.985 --> 00:56:22.061
It's really about like the full, like you know, like taking the time to really establish, like where each thing is going.

00:56:22.420 --> 00:56:23.081
Well, I like that.

00:56:23.081 --> 00:56:25.643
What are you leaning towards, Rebecca?

00:56:26.465 --> 00:56:28.547
You know, Kirsten, my word is love.

00:56:29.188 --> 00:56:30.228
Oh, I love that though.

00:56:30.949 --> 00:56:32.291
I wondered how you were going to feel about it.

00:56:32.291 --> 00:56:37.096
So I was saying to Jenny this airs well tomorrow.

00:56:37.096 --> 00:56:42.967
Tomorrow, yeah, but I don't want people to think that I'm, like, obsessed with being in love.

00:56:44.280 --> 00:56:45.302
Love can be so much.

00:56:45.302 --> 00:56:48.168
We have love for our children, we have love for our job, we have love for ourselves.

00:56:48.168 --> 00:56:49.672
It's yes.

00:56:50.681 --> 00:56:59.820
So I went through a year where I was, you know, I had to say no to a lot of things, and then last year I wanted to say more and just do a lot more Like in general.

00:56:59.820 --> 00:57:23.552
I wanted to be with my friends more, be with my family more, more be with my family more, understand myself more, and in that I felt like a lot of people it's very easy for me to put love into other people and that I don't think in any way any of that is a mistake, cause that's another big part of this is like I'm going to do the same thing this year.

00:57:23.552 --> 00:57:29.148
I'm going to keep loving my friends, loving my relationships, and that doesn't mean like in love, but I'm going to pour love into everything that I do.

00:57:29.148 --> 00:57:32.686
And if you don't leave it or if you don't, whatever, that's a you problem.

00:57:32.686 --> 00:57:34.592
Yeah, cause I'm putting it out there.

00:57:34.592 --> 00:57:37.947
Yeah, I mean whatever if you don't, whatever that means.

00:57:38.248 --> 00:57:57.222
But one thing that I found was I still wasn't fully ready to like, accept people's love back you know, or believe it, or like I would question it, or intention, yeah, and like um, or I would be even simple stuff, like when people say like oh, you look really pretty.

00:57:57.222 --> 00:58:08.583
Right now I'd be like oh, I got this, you know this, this PJ max, instead of being like maybe I actually do, just look pretty, maybe that was nice for them to recognize.

00:58:08.583 --> 00:58:11.668
I'm in a weird space, right, I live by myself.

00:58:11.668 --> 00:58:14.472
No one says I like your pants.

00:58:14.472 --> 00:58:17.344
No one says your butt looks hot.

00:58:17.344 --> 00:58:19.590
Nobody says your eyeshadow is different.

00:58:19.670 --> 00:58:25.047
It looks really nice, there is literally nobody.

00:58:25.347 --> 00:58:30.367
Can I make an assumption, though, that even when you weren't living by yourself, maybe those things weren't being said either.

00:58:32.041 --> 00:58:51.110
Fair, but like there it's even like you know what I mean, like less, and so I'm also like not even in a neighborhood, technically, where I would be like at the bus stop or like taking walks with my friends, and so I really have to be careful to even like fill some of those voids by like you're coming, Don't John used to tell me?

00:58:51.150 --> 00:58:53.264
can you please stop talking yourself out of a compliment.

00:58:53.264 --> 00:58:54.407
Just take the compliment.

00:58:54.646 --> 00:58:56.711
Exactly that, yeah, exactly that.

00:58:57.260 --> 00:58:57.981
And it is coming.

00:58:58.681 --> 00:59:10.735
Yes, and like it's okay, and like you're allowed to take that, and it doesn't mean that you're self-absorbed, or like yeah, great example yesterday, at like 1150, whitney was like how is your day going?

00:59:10.735 --> 00:59:13.362
I was like because no one asked that either, right?

00:59:13.362 --> 00:59:16.248
So I was like what a weird question.

00:59:16.248 --> 00:59:17.512
Are you having a bad day?

00:59:17.512 --> 00:59:22.106
And she was like I am.

00:59:22.106 --> 00:59:23.509
And I was like great.

00:59:23.509 --> 00:59:25.572
She was like can we do lunch in an hour?

00:59:25.572 --> 00:59:40.963
And I was like yes, and so like just some of those things like showing up like that, like that's a way that people check in or show me love, and so I really want to like acknowledge those things, experience it instead of sometimes I have a hard time being present.

00:59:41.666 --> 00:59:42.909
Yeah, don't block it.

00:59:42.909 --> 00:59:44.844
Don't be a blocker.

00:59:45.788 --> 00:59:49.762
No, yeah, don't block it, don't be a blocker, no.

00:59:49.762 --> 01:00:00.331
So this is going to be my like love year, where it's just like I love my kids, I love my life, I love my family, I love my friends and like it's okay for them to, I am worthy of them loving me back also yeah, oh, I love that.

01:00:00.771 --> 01:00:01.733
I like both of your words.

01:00:01.733 --> 01:00:10.284
Sorry, I'm lame and don't have one to share You've got to roll with the punches there you go.

01:00:10.284 --> 01:00:12.469
That's my life Also.

01:00:12.469 --> 01:00:17.445
Random side note, jenny, I got the Philly.

01:00:17.445 --> 01:00:24.085
Our neighbors had an oyster roast the other day and I got the Philly cheesesteak dip from Publix.

01:00:24.085 --> 01:00:30.054
Wait, you're the one that told us oh, rebecca, somebody at your, someone from you.

01:00:31.061 --> 01:00:31.702
Brett Grant.

01:00:31.702 --> 01:00:39.768
Brett Grant told me about it because she doesn't cook, and so anytime she brings something to a function, it comes directly from the grocery store and gets replated.

01:00:39.768 --> 01:00:44.344
Brett, don't kill me, but that that, for me, is a safe.

01:00:44.405 --> 01:00:47.387
I used to do bar together at when it was um before.

01:00:47.387 --> 01:00:48.088
What was it before?

01:00:48.088 --> 01:00:50.972
Or it was yeah, she's great.

01:00:50.972 --> 01:00:54.235
Well, jenny, then you need to get it.

01:00:54.235 --> 01:00:54.856
It was still there.

01:00:56.141 --> 01:01:02.184
We're having a girl's weekend this weekend, so I love I'm getting it it was, so many people were like Kirsten, that Kirsten, that dip was great.

01:01:02.244 --> 01:01:04.168
I was like thanks, I'll let Publix know.

01:01:05.130 --> 01:01:08.014
It's like limited edition they're not going to carry it for us.

01:01:08.014 --> 01:01:11.802
I don't think it's seasonal.

01:01:11.802 --> 01:01:12.525
It's seasonal.

01:01:12.865 --> 01:01:13.686
No, I don't.

01:01:13.686 --> 01:01:15.811
Does limited edition mean it may never come back?

01:01:19.400 --> 01:01:19.760
No, I don't know.

01:01:19.760 --> 01:01:21.282
I just mean it's like I don't know what it is.

01:01:21.282 --> 01:01:23.405
It just definitely the thing says that it's only here for a little bit.

01:01:23.405 --> 01:01:24.927
Whatever that means in Publix land.

01:01:24.927 --> 01:01:26.791
Oh my God, that's EBT.

01:01:26.791 --> 01:01:27.833
What is it called again?

01:01:27.833 --> 01:01:29.655
The Philly cheesesteak dip.

01:01:29.900 --> 01:01:32.083
Yeah, philly cheesesteak dip, but it was okay.

01:01:32.083 --> 01:01:34.164
So, jenny, you gotta go get it, because I know you'll be at Publix.

01:01:35.101 --> 01:01:36.099
Yes, I'm always at Publix.

01:01:36.099 --> 01:01:48.880
The Philly cheesesteak dip at Publix grocery store, a seasonal or a.

01:01:48.880 --> 01:01:50.282
You're like Layla, she always voice to, talks I always.

01:01:50.282 --> 01:01:50.885
That's why I butcher it.

01:01:50.885 --> 01:01:53.309
You can get the craziest text from me and it's not on purpose.

01:01:53.309 --> 01:01:55.072
Um, it's a limited edition item.

01:01:55.072 --> 01:01:59.896
It's not going to be a regular offering introduced as part of Publix limited time only products.

01:01:59.896 --> 01:02:06.793
It has been available during specific periods, such as the 2024 football season.

01:02:07.320 --> 01:02:11.467
Customers have heard it's limited availability encouraging others to try it before it's gone.

01:02:11.467 --> 01:02:13.989
It also has some fame on TikTok.

01:02:13.989 --> 01:02:21.382
Since it's not a permanent item, availability will vary All right, I'm going today, I'm telling you Football season?

01:02:21.382 --> 01:02:22.847
Yo no, football season.

01:02:22.847 --> 01:02:23.951
We got to like February.

01:02:23.951 --> 01:02:28.065
It's a good question, so I don't know how many we get, but it's going to be gone.

01:02:29.791 --> 01:02:30.478
It's not even more.

01:02:30.478 --> 01:02:34.487
Why don't we start off talking about ovaries and then we end with village instinct tip.

01:02:34.487 --> 01:02:40.726
Don't forget to journal, just kidding, right in your feelings.

01:02:42.501 --> 01:02:43.907
Well, thanks for having me back.

01:02:44.840 --> 01:02:45.106
Let's do it again.

01:02:45.106 --> 01:02:45.731
You're always such a wealth of knowledge.

01:02:45.731 --> 01:02:46.155
Oh well, thanks for having me back.

01:02:46.155 --> 01:02:46.210
Let's do it again.

01:02:46.210 --> 01:02:48.186
You're always such a wealth of knowledge.

01:02:48.588 --> 01:02:49.168
Oh well, thank you.

01:02:49.168 --> 01:02:51.664
You guys are so much fun, so I really enjoy myself.

01:02:51.664 --> 01:02:53.230
Thank you so much.

01:02:54.501 --> 01:02:57.226
Thanks everybody for tuning in and we will see you next week.