July 4, 2024
Nostalgia, July 4th & Romanticizing Your Life
HAPPY 4TH of JULY! The intro you don’t know you needed - from singing to considering voice lessons and the idea that “people will do anything for money”.
Ever wondered if your perfectionist tendencies are a product of your genes, or just a learned behavior? Join us as we unpack the fascinating world of nostalgia, performance anxiety, and the pressures of perfectionism, all from Jenny’s husband’s childhood bedroom filled with old trophies and memories.
Did you know anxiety is genetic? Join us as we consider whether or not that’s why we survived evolution - our ability to please and our ability to be strong contributors.
Don’t miss our take on "Inside Out 2" and how it introduces new emotional dimensions that resonate with kids. As the universe feeds us repetitive themes - nostalgia - anxiety - and romance - we hit pause and unpack each one because nothing is by accident. And if the universe is trying to get our attention, we’re determined to pause and to listen. And somehow - in typical mayhem fashion - we discuss the unique roles we see one another in … 1776. From butter churning to chopping wood and fixing wagons - we take you on a left hand turn, back to “not history” class.
As we navigate through the complexities of personal boundaries in relationships, our discussion becomes a heartfelt reflection on how to maintain friendships while protecting our peace. From a friend feeling excluded to balancing alone time, we share real-life experiences that highlight the importance of setting and respecting boundaries. And we discuss peace - and romance. The simple romance - or the “glimmer” as we later heard it referred to - of finding gratitude in the simplest of things.
Emphasizing the value of self-worth and platonic love, (yes - the kind we don’t talk about enough - the love we learned from our girlfriends) - we reflect on the journey of moving past the need for validation and embracing those who uplift us. Tune in for a mix of thoughtful reflection, humor, and heartfelt moments as we explore what makes summer and life so sweet.
Happy 4th to you and yours !
- Jenny & Raebecca
For more mayhem, be sure to follow us:
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And don't forget to leave us a 5 star review! Or message us to deep dive into your topic or just give us feedback!
Hosted by @raebecca.miller and @jennyfromthe843
00:15 - Nostalgic Chat and Summer Plans
04:38 - Genetics, Anxiety, and Boundaries
14:39 - Establishing and Respecting Personal Boundaries
19:07 - Fourth of July Nostalgia and Festivities
29:49 - Friendship, Peace, and McDonald's Marketing
WEBVTT
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we did sing in last episode.
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Did you have any?
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idea I was gonna do that.
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I didn't either.
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Just so you know.
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That was completely intrusive.
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I don't know what got into me.
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I love the and you know I sang the Golden Girls theme song in our finale and Nate was like you actually didn't sound that bad.
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No, you didn't Do I need to pursue like a musical career.
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Like is this like a new thing?
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He's like no, we should take voice lessons together.
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I would shit my pants if we took voice lessons together.
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I feel fairly certain that no music teacher will touch us with a 10 foot pole Not true.
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People will do anything for money.
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It's true, I think.
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How are you?
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I'm good.
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I haven't seen you in so long.
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I know I miss you.
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You're like on location somewhere exotic.
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Greetings from my husband's childhood bedroom in Clearwater Florida.
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I've got all these little trophies surrounding me no, I see the trophies.
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I'm like I love the nostalgia of this.
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This is so good yeah, yeah, so I'm.
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I'm in Nate's um childhood bedroom.
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So, yeah, we're.
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We typically come to Florida for a couple of weeks in the summer, so Clark can have grandparent time, and so, yeah, you're there for the holiday, right Cause today, today is July 4th I live for it.
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It's in here sucking down Coke Zero and ready to celebrate America.
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You got me out of bed.
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I got you out of bed.
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You know I was awake, I was just laying there.
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I've been so going at a speed that is like bananas and today was my first day to like hit pause and I like I just couldn't.
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I like, you know, I got to hit the pause.
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Are you finally done with swim?
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No, on the 7th I will be done.
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Okay, so you have like a week left.
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Yeah, but it's like, it's like the week.
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It's so intense, it's good stuff, but then we will be done and then we'll get into the next summer mode, which I would love to say is going to be more casual.
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But I have already said yes to like three things, so it's not looking very casual.
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What did you do now?
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I thought you were like gonna be chill after swimming.
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Well then, summer.
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You know, summer was like oh, my friends, they have a family condo in lake norman.
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Like the person, not the season.
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Okay, the person.
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We have a family condo in lake norman and it's randomly open the week after the fourth.
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So she's like, you know, we should just take the girls, we can go to the american girl doll store and we can like do some fun stuff.
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Right.
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So I'm like well, I'm not going to say no to that because of the summer is really about them.
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Yeah, for sure, yeah, listen, don't uh, don't uh.
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And she like grew up there, so it's like her.
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She's like she has like a favorite restaurant and like a favorite ice cream spot and she's like let's just do nostalgia for the week.
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And I was like I love that you're taking me on a nostalgia journey with you.
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I'm loving that we're keep using this word, because have you seen Inside Out 2 yet?
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No, should I tonight Wait?
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I can't tonight, I could tomorrow.
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You totally need to take the girl.
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So I took Clark about probably two weeks ago.
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Well, right, like literally the day after it came out and nostalgia is one of the emotions in the brain and she's dressed like a little granny.
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I didn't know nostalgia was an emotion.
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Well, she's not one of the like main ones, but she definitely like pops in a few times.
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But I like this idea.
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Yeah, clark like asked me after we left.
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She like so what age do I start getting that?
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And then I was like well, I don't know, probably till you get a little bit older.
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And then she said something like two days later she's like oh, do you remember when those were the good old days?
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I'm like there it is.
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That's the nostalgia coming through your little brain.
00:04:01.961 --> 00:04:04.808
But it's such a good movie I cannot recommend it enough.
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Like anxiety is like one of the new emotions in riley's brain and I think it just really like opened up a really good conversation because we've you know clark's kind of dealt with some of that and I think it really speaks to like children so they can see what's going on in their little brains and that it's not necessarily a good thing.
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You shouldn't let that be there all the time.
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But it just, it, really just.
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It puts in a child's perspective of what anxiety looks like.
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So I cannot recommend the movie enough.
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It's so good.
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So so two things.
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First of all, nostalgia is like actually a keyword for one of our accounts.
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We've been using a ton, so it's so interesting to so interesting to me.
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Like you know, I'm like half witch in some ways, but I just refuse to believe that the universe isn't like more, isn't bigger and more intertwined than some people like navigate it.
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So I just think it's so interesting that things keep repeating and I refuse to ignore when things are repetitive.
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So I'm like nostalgia, like why do we need to pay bigger attention to that?
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Like, I'm going to give that, I think, a little bit more time.
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Yeah, I like the anxiety thing.
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So we just talked about that with Christina.
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Um, we have some of that going on in our house.
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Um, yep, same age as what you're dealing with at your house, and what we're dealing with is, um, you're dealing with at your house and what we're dealing with is, um, almost like performance anxiety, for lack of a better term but like this perfectionist behavior where, like, we want everything to be perfect, and so, of course, I'm like re-examining myself.
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Yeah, um, but last, funny yo in our kids.
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It's like.
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It's like again.
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It really is like a mirror of self-reflection.
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It's like what have I done?
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Like have.
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I taught you this, yes, well, and I'm like, have I mimicked this?
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Like, how did I bring this here?
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Like what am I responsible for?
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So last night was one of the trials, because obviously we don't record exactly in the fourth but Olympic trials for gymnastics, which my mom texts me, and we don't record exactly on the 4th but Olympic trials for gymnastics which my mom texts me.
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And we hadn't intended we were going to watch.
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We have a new rom-com that we love, um, and I'm going to have to find the name of it, cause you know, I can't remember a freaking thing.
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To save my life, like my short-term memory is shot, which is funny Cause that's what this is about too.
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The movie is called anyone, but you, we love this, okay.
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So we were like, oh, we'll watch anyone, but you again, we just watched it the day prior.
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But my mom's like, oh, the trials are on, you should watch it.
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And in the, what we're talking about in my house is specifically a gymnastics thing.
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So one of the girls shares this story of getting really nervous before and her coach was like listen, like you're a goldfish, you have a short-term memory.
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Forget all of that.
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You know what you're capable of.
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I know what you're capable of, because she made a mistake right before trials and so it got like in her head which is kind of what just happened here, in a non-Olympic trial sense, and I was like this is such good feedback for even adults Like one little mistake, even though it feels that big because of the stage you're about to walk on, is not representative of your actual capacity and I was like right, and I was like I had to take the moment where I was like I mean, if we can say that to Olympic athletes, I'm going to have to be repeat that to myself a few more times.
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Oh, for sure, I feel like kind of as I've gone up, because I am a definite perfectionist.
00:07:27.240 --> 00:07:36.610
yeah, I'm someone who's super hard on myself too, but I feel like I've tried to like adapt this like mentality of is this really going to matter in a year?
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Yeah, and I'm just like because, like not many things do I mean truly, they really, really don't.
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So so I'm trying to instill that in Clark.
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But let me tell you what my therapist said.
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So I had talked to her about this and actually had talked to kind of like a counselor who counsels children she's a child therapist and she was telling me fun fact that a lot of it is not learned behavior, a lot of it has to do with genetics.
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So it doesn't matter like how much, like, because I feel like I've gone almost overboard with clark, letting her know that she doesn't have to be a perfectionist and it's okay to make mistakes.
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So I'm like holy day, like I really yeah really yeah, like I work, feel like I've worked really hard, so she doesn't have to feel that way.
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And she's still like this, like what am I doing wrong?
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And the girl was like a lot of it's genetic.
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She was like are you like this?
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And I was like yeah.
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She was like are your parents like this?
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And I was like yeah, she's like okay, some of it is just you have people pleasing genes.
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You have like you have genetics that just make you be hard on yourself, and I just found that really interesting.
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I'd like to do a little more research about it, but I found it If you were to, without knowing what the history is, if you were to zoom out and be like, okay, well, this is what it took to be part of a village or a tribe.
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The people like you or I that were really concerned about other people's welfare and showing up as a good worker were the reason that, like tribes, like that sustained shit got done.
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Is that what you're saying?
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It is, yeah, we're carrying them baskets on our head?
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yeah, without thinking twice, because hard work doesn't scare us.
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So we were.
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It makes sense that in evolution that actually was a gene that survived.
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I don't know.
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I don't know the research, but I like to you know, I like to get a little wily about the universe and I think that might be so interesting and totally not what we were going to talk about.
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But, again, most of our conversations are so organic but I mean, yeah, it's, it's super true.
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So, yeah, I found that, I found the issue.
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Well, I hate that they're going through that, but I mean I get it because they're your children and they want to be.
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Well, and if it's going to show up, I'd rather it show up when it's here and like, not, I'd rather start talking about it now than high school or college.
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Like, sometimes I think about even those social media conversations and I'm like I don't want to rush their childhood because so that's not my point and I'm sure somebody may misconstrue that but if we can start having back to, like what Kirsten said, the little parts of the conversation now, and we can start building those foundational blocks piece by piece, I just feel so much better about that journey after having that conversation with her and if that's what we're doing, great, even though it stresses me out a little bit, yeah for sure, oh my gosh.
00:10:27.129 --> 00:10:38.774
And then, like, so we had Christina on and we were also talked about boundaries and I ran into this again with another friend I had a bound deal.
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This is so crazy to me.
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What now?
00:10:41.005 --> 00:10:43.611
So I will give you the really zoomed out version.
00:10:43.611 --> 00:10:53.270
But this person is really upset that they weren't invited to fight night Like friendship ending upset.
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Seriously, no, I swear so and I'm not laughing at them, but I'm like okay.
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So I reached out to Christina and I send the text that I received.
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Oh my.
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God, you didn't send it to me.
00:11:04.691 --> 00:11:07.423
Well, I had to process it with my family therapist.
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Well, what am I?
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Am I nothing?
00:11:13.153 --> 00:11:13.474
to you.
00:11:13.474 --> 00:11:17.629
No, you know, I like I, you know I go in, so this is a two.
00:11:17.629 --> 00:11:18.873
This is a two part conversation.
00:11:18.873 --> 00:11:21.908
So she was I was like what is it me Like?
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What is?
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She was like, first of all, people who have been in your life before you started learning this, especially when you were really deep and harmony was important to you and you weren't drawing any boundaries and you were very much disassociating in order to protect yourself.
00:11:41.383 --> 00:11:44.912
Those people are going to be the most shocked at what's happening right now.
00:11:44.912 --> 00:11:53.042
She's like new you.
00:11:53.042 --> 00:11:54.746
Yeah Well, she's like it's just the next step because it's not like permanent.
00:11:54.746 --> 00:12:01.369
So this is what she said for a second, probably three to six months, it's going to feel like for those people, like they're going to come up, you're going to keep meeting this Cause.
00:12:01.369 --> 00:12:02.841
I was like why do I have to keep learning this lesson?
00:12:02.841 --> 00:12:04.383
And she was like you're not, though.
00:12:04.383 --> 00:12:09.269
Those people are going to keep hitting the wall and it's going to feel really intense for you.
00:12:09.269 --> 00:12:24.846
But then you will come through with the people who understand that this is Rebecca, with a few boundaries, and maybe they won't feel as extreme in a year and maybe you won't be as extreme about them, but it's your first time saying it and sometimes when you say things the first time, you kind of yell them.
00:12:25.267 --> 00:12:26.649
I was like okay.
00:12:26.649 --> 00:12:31.086
So it was like okay, I don't want to be in a situation where I'm like boundary, boundary, boundary, boundary.
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She was like you're fine, everything's fine.
00:12:34.182 --> 00:12:37.350
This person probably needed this and they haven't had it before.
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Again, nothing bad is happening here and I was like okay, but then I was like I'm doing this other thing that I think is really odd and I want you to talk to me about it.
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I have a hinge update.
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I haven't been using it and I haven't been.
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It's not because there's like a somebody I literally like my next thing has been like me in a not selfish way.
00:13:09.100 --> 00:13:10.322
Does this make sense?
00:13:10.322 --> 00:13:23.306
Like I was like enjoying talking to like different people and all of that, and now I feel like it feels a little bit claustrophobic, like noise, and I really just want to be by myself oh yeah, I.
00:13:23.886 --> 00:13:25.630
I feel this within my soul.
00:13:25.630 --> 00:13:30.432
I was like this most of my dating life so this is like newer, so I'm just like.
00:13:30.572 --> 00:13:40.922
So when I, every once in a while, log in out of habit and it's first of all red flag city, it's like just terrifying, it's so yeah, I mean some of the stuff you shared with me.
00:13:40.981 --> 00:13:50.812
It's been like run for the hills he's got so maybe lotion on its skin in his basement, I mean maybe that's like part of it.
00:13:50.912 --> 00:13:55.082
Every time I log in I'm like what in the world, ew?
00:13:55.082 --> 00:14:05.650
But like I had a friend the other day who was like oh, I have to go on a date, and I was like maybe I should ask him to bring a friend and I should bring you, and then that would make it safer for me, and I was like I'm not interested.
00:14:06.232 --> 00:14:09.826
Oh yeah, no it's a hard pass.
00:14:09.826 --> 00:14:17.629
I feel like I was like this, you know, back in my younger days, when I was dating, I feel like I definitely went through the period where it was like I loved having.
00:14:17.629 --> 00:14:19.539
I mean, honestly, it was the attention.
00:14:19.539 --> 00:14:21.625
Like I loved having male attention.
00:14:21.625 --> 00:14:25.253
It was like, oh, this is nice, somebody to flirt with, this is fun.
00:14:25.253 --> 00:14:33.071
But then when it came down to like the rubber, meeting, the road of like, actually like having to go on dates and like somebody saying, oh well, why didn't you text me?
00:14:33.071 --> 00:14:36.971
It would make me feel like Claustrophobic.
00:14:38.081 --> 00:14:38.884
Like smothered.
00:14:39.379 --> 00:14:39.681
That's how.
00:14:39.681 --> 00:14:49.745
I feel and even in relationships like I'm like this, like truthfully, like with me and Nate we're dating, like we both like needed our alone time and I'm still like this.
00:14:49.745 --> 00:14:55.082
I'm like I love y'all so much but mama, mama needs a minute and I'm so.
00:14:55.082 --> 00:15:03.110
I'm still like that, cause I have those moments of just like I need a need a little space to just be me.
00:15:03.509 --> 00:15:04.130
And I don't.
00:15:04.611 --> 00:15:07.215
Yeah, so like I'm, I feel like I'm still like that.
00:15:11.639 --> 00:15:12.623
Well, and it's like weird Cause it's not now.
00:15:12.623 --> 00:15:26.495
It's not just like guys, it's like a friend being like oh, I felt like I wasn't included, or I feel like you didn't text me, or like I'm like I've had a full days where I barely talked to a soul now and I'm like I think I really need that space in my current journey.
00:15:27.200 --> 00:15:32.033
But I will say this I actually I'm okay.
00:15:32.033 --> 00:15:38.751
Here's the thing I actually am impressed that whoever this person has said something I would never have the balls to say that.
00:15:39.581 --> 00:15:40.121
They didn't.
00:15:40.121 --> 00:15:48.264
I actually said something to them complimentary about something I saw, and I actually said something to them complimentary about something I saw.
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They didn't know.
00:15:48.605 --> 00:15:51.708
Nope, I'm not going to give them that much credit, oh shit.
00:15:51.769 --> 00:15:56.895
Okay, that makes it worse then, cause I was like you know, I appreciate it, but I think it's all in how you frame it.
00:15:56.895 --> 00:16:01.842
It's like, hey man, like just did I do something to upset you.
00:16:01.842 --> 00:16:08.414
Like if it was like a nice conversation, like like I would do that with you, like if you didn't invite me to something, I'd be like Becca, like did I do something?
00:16:08.414 --> 00:16:09.716
What I mean, it's the two.
00:16:09.716 --> 00:16:12.183
I mean, come on, I'd be like why didn't you invite me?
00:16:12.183 --> 00:16:15.226
But like so what happened?
00:16:15.922 --> 00:16:31.221
So how did you find out she had something their life and so I was like, oh my gosh, are you like okay, do you need something?
00:16:31.221 --> 00:16:37.149
And it like fired off in this and like I don't have, I can't give the rest of the context.
00:16:37.149 --> 00:16:50.179
But I was like wait a minute, because it made me start thinking back on like how I showed up for this person in really big ways in the past and I was like actually you don't get to talk to me like that.
00:16:50.179 --> 00:16:53.144
Yeah, that's a hard, that's a hard no for me.
00:16:53.163 --> 00:16:54.785
I don't like that.
00:16:54.785 --> 00:16:58.240
I'm going to need you to give me more details offline, then I will Don't worry.
00:16:58.240 --> 00:17:11.917
But I did read a quote the other day and I'm going to totally butcher this, but basically the essence was like as you start establishing boundaries, the people who don't respect them are the people that you need them with the most.
00:17:11.917 --> 00:17:14.876
Yeah, that's what she said oh, was that, was that what?
00:17:15.659 --> 00:17:18.473
No, no, no, but what she said was different, but it's like that.
00:17:18.473 --> 00:17:20.641
All that tells me is the universe keeps repeating it to us.
00:17:20.641 --> 00:17:25.704
Like for sure it was, and I didn't purposely just include this person.
00:17:25.704 --> 00:17:41.403
It was an eight person table and we had two weeks to fill it and I actually didn't rush to fill it, I was super slow and thoughtful about it and ended up being a really good group, and that's not to say somebody else would have been bad for it, but like I don't know, it just wasn't.
00:17:41.403 --> 00:17:46.157
It's Charleston, everyone wants to be included and there's always stuff going on and I get it.
00:17:46.157 --> 00:17:47.821
But like it wasn't malicious.
00:17:47.970 --> 00:18:02.881
And so for also for it to be made to feel like I was being malicious when that's like literally not how I show up, yeah, but you know I'm a big fan, Like I always say that people who act like that are projecting how they would react or why they do stuff on you.
00:18:03.521 --> 00:18:07.752
So that's what I started thinking about and it took me down a rabbit hole and now I have a notes about it.
00:18:07.752 --> 00:18:10.134
Notes about it, Of course you do.
00:18:10.134 --> 00:18:42.506
Okay, so pivoting um to freedom and the 4th of July freedom to learn your own boundaries and your new path, and the 4th of July and red, white and blue Um, I was actually going to ask you like a question and then I started thinking about how we were talking about the tribe thing, but, like I always think of, like Betsy Ross and the flag and like the whole, like which villager would do you think you would have been Like, what are my options?
00:18:45.369 --> 00:18:47.333
I feel like I probably would have been the school teacher.
00:18:47.333 --> 00:18:52.641
I would have been like the cook or like the town jester, like I would be like comedian.
00:18:53.182 --> 00:18:55.805
I think that been like the cook or like the town jester, like I, would be like comedian.
00:18:55.805 --> 00:18:57.728
I think that's when we're in the castle era.
00:18:59.775 --> 00:19:02.123
There's a jester during the flag.
00:19:07.119 --> 00:19:10.109
I mean surely there had to be some kind of entertainment, right, I don't know.
00:19:10.109 --> 00:19:15.188
I mean I feel like we were like fighting for our birthday as a country, so I'm not really sure there was like much entertainment.
00:19:16.210 --> 00:19:19.076
I'm not a history buff, no me either.
00:19:19.076 --> 00:19:22.963
I know, okay, I'm going to say cook, let's just go with that, cause they had to eat.
00:19:22.963 --> 00:19:24.273
So that's a safe bet.
00:19:24.273 --> 00:19:31.483
Like the butter, baby, you're like with the butter, yeah, yeah, grown vegetables.
00:19:31.483 --> 00:19:32.944
I know the butter, butter, yeah, yeah, gross vegetables, I know.
00:19:32.944 --> 00:19:33.365
Now I don't know.
00:19:33.365 --> 00:19:39.253
I feel like the teacher might have been the single ace and I don't know if I would have been a teacher wait, a teacher I can, I will you.
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